United States of Tara/Nurse Jackie (Showtime) — Season premieres. I like Toni Collette. I like Edie Falco. I think their shows are good. But it irritates the crap out of me that these jokeless affairs get called comedies.
Presidential Address (Various) — Barack Obama talks to the nation about Libya at 7:30 p.m.
All Together Now: A Celebration of Public Service (NBC) — Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton, and George W. Bush honor the volunteerism of George H.W. Bush. Everyone should volunteer for a cause they believe in; it’s a great way to get laid. Also appearing: Garth Brooks, Sheryl Crow. Ugh, I’d rather Clinton play the sax.
Secret Life of the American Teenager (ABC Family) — Spring premiere. Friendly reminder: Renee Olstead has pierced nipples.
Heavy (A&E) — Season finale. Why can’t there be a show about people exercising regularly and staying fit? Remember Kiana Tom’s “Flex Appeal”? What the hell was wrong with that? Get the fatties off the screen and give me pan-Asian hotties rock-hard abs.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Jake Gyllenhaal on Conan; Danny McBride on Letterman; Russell Brand on Leno; and the awesomely terrible combination of David Schwimmer and Brock Lesnar on Fallon. Full listings at TV Squad.