What’s on Tonight: Sexy Prison

Weeds (Showtime) — Season 7 premiere. Before the new story can get in underway in New York, Mary-Louise Parker begins the season in prison, while hurj sjbhfail hsfkhn  fif sa. Whoa, sorry. I drifted off into a daydream about being Mary-Louise Parker’s prison guard. (high-res of the banner image available here)

The Big C (Showtime) — Season 2 premiere. Laura Linney still has cancer.

Law & Order: LA (NBC) — Bob Saget guest stars as a “seedy porn producer,” according to Yahoo. As opposed to the legions of porn producers who are not seedy. And if you think that I don’t have more jokes about “seed” and “porn,” you are woefully mistaken.

MasterChef (Fox) — Only 15 chefs remain. Or it 30?

Teen Wolf (MTV) — A bloody body is discovered in a video store. Also discovered: a video store.

The Bachelorette (ABC) — Reviled contestant Bentley returns to the show to boost ratings and toy with Ashley’s emotions. Note to prospective parents: you should only name your child “Bentley” if it’s a girl and you want her to become a stripper.