What’s On Tonight: ‘Sons,’ Son

Sons of Anarchy (FX) – Television’s wait-what-did-someone-just-pull-a-gun-on-a-baby-iest show returns tonight for its fifth season. Will we have a bunch of Sons of Anarchy-related content tomorrow? Oh YOU KNOW we will have a bunch of Sons of Anarchy-related content tomorrow.

Go On/The New Normal/Parenthood (NBC) – We give NBC a lot of crap around here (rightfully so), but it should be noted that Parenthood, which opens up its fourth season tonight, is actually pretty good. There, I said something nice. Now let me get back to this draft titled “Infinity Things I Hate About Whitney.”

White Collar/Covert Affairs (USA) – [looks back through previous What’s On Tonight’s] [realizes he already made jokes about people wearing hats, Tiffani Thiessen, and Coyote Ugly] [has literally nothing else to say about these two shows] [looks around nervously] [throws smoke bomb on ground, exits room]

So You Think You Can Dance? (Fox) – Fun Fact: There are people who watch this show. I swear to God. I met one once. It was fascinating, like seeing a unicorn, but one with horrible taste in television.

The Burn With Jeff Ross (Comedy Central) – One day I will write 800 words about Jeff Ross’s hair. Not today, but someday. It takes balls the size of Epcot to make fun of anyone — FOR ANYTHING — when you’re running around with what appears to be a Mozart wig that was just dipped in black paint hanging off your melon.

Dance Moms (Lifetime) – I would like this show more if it was called Dance, Moms and it was just an hour of some crazy drunken cowboy firing bullets at the feet of reality show moms and screaming “DANCE. DANCE, MOMS. YEE HAW.”

LATE NIGHT LISTINGS: Dr. Phil and Dakota Johnson on Kimmel; Roseanne Barr and Aubrey Plaza on a repeat of Letterman; Adam Goldberg and Alison Becker on Ferguson; Katie Couric and Dax Shepherd on a repeat of Leno, and; Woody Harrelson, Kenan Thompson, and Cat Power on Fallon.