Law & Order: SVU (NBC, 9:00 p.m.) – Tonight’s episode of SVU is about a sports star who is accused of drugging and raping multiple women, and features a confrontation in an elevator, as you can see above. This means that the show is essentially rolling the Ray Rice situation, the Jay Z/Solange fracas, and the horrifying stuff Darren Sharper is accused of all into one 42-minute episode. Please consider this your reminder that SVU goes hard, sometimes recklessly so.
Criminal Minds (CBS, 9:00 p.m.) – Season premiere. Jennifer Love Hewitt joins the cast as Kate Callahan, “a seasoned undercover agent whose stellar work at the FBI has landed her a coveted position with the Behavioral Analysis Unit.” Yeah, sure. Why not?
Modern Family (ABC, 9:00 p.m.) – The Dunphys travel with Alex to Caltech for a college tour. The Dunphys are never home anymore, as Burnsy discussed recently. I hope theres an episode where Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern show up to rob them while they’re visiting Mount Rushmore.
Stalker (CBS, 10:00 p.m.) – Series premiere. CBS paired its show about hotshot cops investigating creepy murders with a show about hotshot cops investigating creepy stalkers. I’m sensing a theme.
South Park/Key & Peele (Comedy Central 10:00-11:00 p.m.) – South Park takes on gluten intolerance tonight, while Key & Peele do, well, more of what they do. This is a very strong hour of television. We are all blessed.
Franklin & Bash (TNT, 10:00 p.m.) – From TV Guide: “Franklin and Bash try to help their friend secure his residence at an age-restricted retirement community.” This is the second episode of Franklin & Bash to feature a plot involving a retirement community. Why in the hell do I know that? Like, without even looking it up. This is getting ridiculous.
The Bridge (FX, 10:00 p.m.) – Season finale. The main thing I’ve taken away from this season of The Bridge is that knowing a violent, paranoid drug kingpin does not seem very fun. Lesson learned.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Tim Allen, Anna Gunn, and the Madden Brothers on Kimmel; Bill O’Reilly and Cristin Milioti on Letterman; Patton Oswalt and Chandra Wilson on Ferguson; Jennifer Garner and John Mulaney on Fallon; Neil Patrick Harris and Rita Wilson on Meyers; Lena Dunham on Stewart; and Nick Offerman and Jerrod Carmichael on Conan.