The Soup (E!, 10:00 p.m.) – To celebrate its 500th episode, The Soup will be doing two live episodes tonight, one at 10 p.m. Eastern, and one at 10 p.m. Pacific. I have only one humble request for tonight’s festivities: BRING BACK SPAGHETTI CAT.
The Bridge (FX, 10:00 p.m.) – I want to buy that Mexican crime boss a new hat SO BAD. That plain, navy blue trucker joint looks like one of the generic hats you buy in bulk for a Little League team before you blast the front with a Joe’s Auto Body decal. Come on, son. I see you chucking stacks of cash in the fireplace. I know you can afford a new one.
Scandal (BET, 9:00 p.m.) – BET has been replaying the first two seasons of Scandal over the past few weeks, and tonight they’re running the HOLY SH*T YOU GUYS second season finale. You should all be watching this show. It is insane.
Necessary Roughness (USA, 10:00 p.m.) – Season finale. Cool. Coolcoolcool.
Duck Dynasty (A&E, 10:00 p.m.) – After much debate and soul-searching, I have decided that you are allowed to enjoy Duck Dynasty if you want to. I am a kind and benevolent ruler. Now bring me more wine.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Everyone’s in repeats except Letterman, who has Tina Fey. Have you read Bossypants? You should read Bossypants.