The Americans (FX, 10:00 p.m.) — Phillip tries to rid himself of some baggage while Paige learns that snitches get stitches, or at least a stern talking-to.
Hap and Leonard (Sundance, 10:00 p.m.) — Like most of the 1980s, the centerpiece of the latest installment of Hap and Leonard is a bad coke deal.
Broad City (Comedy Central, 10:00 p.m.) — Abbi and Ilana head to Philadelphia where they’re surely confused by all the giant inflatable rats and struggle to get a Lyft in Center City because of some bullsh*t taxi protest at City Hall. That’s what it’s like here most days. But hey, citywides are only $4, so this place pretty much rules.
The Middle (ABC, 8:00 p.m.) — The gang heads to an exciting family vacation at Mammoth Cave where Axl cons Brick into being his wing man, while Nancy and Frankie try to push Sean into taking the MCATs.
Arrow (The CW, 8:00 p.m.) — Everyone knows that the best way to get over a breakup is to work on becoming your best self. Well, everybody but Cupid, apparently, because he’s back in Star City nixing couples on their wedding day. Ever heard of CrossFit and Tinder, man?
Survivor (CBS, 8:00 p.m.) — Who wants food? Everybody wants food! The castaways battle it out for a real meal.
Rosewood (FOX, 8:00 p.m.) — Rosewood and Villa have an informant who’s actually in some real trouble and faces life in prison. Fly too close to the sun and ya gonna get burnt. That applies here, right?
Heartbeat (NBC, 8:00 p.m.) — A pair of conjoined twins have cancer, so Alex suggests a risky procedure. Sadly, though, Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear don’t play the twins, smdh.
The Goldbergs (ABC, 8:30 p.m.) — Adam makes the mistake of thinking that magic will make him irresistible to the ladies.
Modern Family (ABC, 9:00 p.m.) — Phil and Claire are in denial about their exhaustion, so they dart off to Paris to pretend that they aren’t too old and busy to be fun and impulsive.
Criminal Minds (CBS, 9:00 p.m.) — The call is coming from inside the house or whatever because the UnSub is targeting the members of the BAU team.
Supernatural (The CW, 9:00 p.m.) — Like Bobby and Rufus before them, Sam and Dean try to track a monster who put a mother and child into a coma. And you thought your Hump Day was tough …
Law & Order: SVU (NBC, 9:00 p.m.) — The truthers are right as it turns out there is a massive government cover-up involving a sex-trafficking operation, and SVU’s #squadgoals mostly just include trying to clear one of their own.
Black-ish (ABC, 9:30 p.m.) — Bow and Dre debate the merits of hiring a black nanny, and then have to try to find someone who doesn’t want help shaving her armpits.
Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders (CBS, 10:00 p.m.) — “Charlie the Unicorn,” but with more Gary Sinise.
Nashville (ABC, 10:00 p.m.) — The second most important Riff in music (RiFF RAFF holds the top spot, obvs) might go on tour with Luke, while Frankie, Deacon and Rayna go a full 12 rounds over whether or not a new singer named Vita has what it takes to hold the spotlight.
Chicago PD (NBC, 10:00 p.m.) — Burgess and Roman go undercover to catch a perp who’s setting up victims via dating app. *TIIIIIIIIIIIIIN-DERRRRRRRR* (Ya know, like timber? I’ll see myself out … )
Late Night Guests
Conan — Tony Hale, Melissa Rauch and Josh Gondelman
The Daily Show — Sen. Lindsey Graham
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon — Ice-T, Allison Williams and Gabriel Iglesias
Jimmy Kimmel Live — Kristen Bell, Jon Bernthal and LoCash
The Late Show With Seth Meyers — Ethan Hawke, Danielle Brooks and Louie Anderson