The Hills (MTV) — Season premiere. The supposed drama tonight comes from whether or not Heidi’s pregnant. Um, seriously MTV? We kind of would have heard from the tabloids by now if that were the case. Also, if my daydreams are at all true, doctors replaced Heidi’s uterus with a balloon filled with rat poison during her last round of plastic surgery.
Glee (Fox) — I’ve frequently written little snippets about how I briefly enjoyed this show, but Dan Suitor has a great article at Gawker TV about how the show has traded in its dark and satirical side for a bigger audience.
Lost (ABC) — WHAT? It’s not a new episode?!?!? O time, you cruel mistress, move faster!
Dancing with the Stars/American Idol (ABC/Fox) — And to think, I used to like singing and dancing.
NBA Playoffs (TNT) — Game 5 of Bulls-Cavs followed by Thunder at Lakers. C’monnnnn, earthquake!
Little Chocolatiers (TLC) — New episode of “The Real Oompa Loompas of Utah” tonight. There are also re-runs of “Help! I’m Turning Into a Giant” because, y’know, TLC.
Justified (FX) — This is the last time for a while. Next week I’m not including it in the listings, but it’ll still be on, okay? So just shut your little whore mouths in advance.