Animal Practice/Guys with Kids (NBC, 8 – 9 p.m.) — Justin Kirk’s new sitcom, Animal Practice — with Annie’s Boobs — is a perfectly acceptable show if you have a half an hour to kill; Guys with Kids is only acceptable if you want to kill yourself.
Survivor Phillipines (CBS, 8 p.m.) — All I remember about last week’s episode is that the guy I didn’t want to get the boot was the one who got the boot and that I won’t recognize him during the reunion special at the end of the season. Also, did you hear that Lisa Whelchel — Blair from Facts of Life — finalized her divorce one week before going on the show. That’s not very evangelical Christian of her.
The Middle/Modern Family/Neighbors (ABC, 8-10 p.m.) — Matt Fowler over at IGN summed up The Neighbors — that alien suburban sitcom — pretty well: “A laughless, Godless sh*t sandwich.” It won’t be long for this world. Meanwhile, I’m starting to think ahead with Modern Family, knowing that it’ll likely be on the air for 10 more seasons. The good news: Gloria’s baby will be old enough to kill Manny. I also learned today that Sofia Vergara’s nickname is La Toti, which is roughly translated to “The Labia.” No kidding.
Law and Order: SVU (NBC, 9 p.m.) — “SVU” returns with a two-hour premiere, and Lindy West breaks down what it is about the show that women love so much. It can be boiled down to two words: B.D. Wong.
Top Chef Masters (Bravo, 10 p.m.) — In tonight’s fourth season finale, all of the eliminated chefs will be brought back and the finalists will each be given a bow and six arrows. The finalists will take turns killing the eliminated chefs, and whoever makes the best meal out of their corpses wins! Plus, the winning recipe will be featured in Food and Wine Magazine.
LATE NIGHT LISTINGS: In the get of the night, British Prime Minister David Cameron will be on Letterman; Richie Sambora (nostalgia alert) is on Leno; Keanu Reeves will be on Kimmel (whoa!); Ferguson has Jim Parsons; Fallon has Ricky Gervais; and Oliva Wilde is on The Daily Show.