Portlandia (IFC, 10:00 p.m.) — Kate and Dave advocate for the (temporarily) disabled and — to avoid surge pricing — someone actually flags a cab like an old person or a poor.
Scandal (ABC, 9:00 p.m.) — Cyrus’ wheels are turning while Fitz is otherwise occupied and Olivia is still trying to solve the riddle that is Jake, who apparently never saw Good Will Hunting because he accepted a new position with the NSA.
Vikings (History, 10:00 p.m.) – Bjorn goes full Bear Grylls and takes on Mother Nature while Rollo flashes his romantic side.
Workaholics (Comedy Central, 10:00 p.m.) — Happy Ders Day, y’all! What better way to celebrate than unleashing your wrath on an unsuspecting museum?
Grey’s Anatomy (ABC, 8:00 p.m.) — Like a Christopher Nolan movie, Jackson and April’s relationship plays out through flashbacks.
Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8:00 p.m.) — Batman (Adam West) guest stars and he’s not wearing hockey pads.
You, Me and the Apocalypse (NBC, 8:00 p.m.) — Scotty and Gaines realize they’re being watched while Jude and Celine feel all the feels because of a potential messiah. (Is it Kanye?! Let’s hope it’s Kanye.)
DC Legends of Tomorrow (The CW, 8:00 p.m.) — If you’ve seen Back to the Future II and have brushed up on your time-travel science, you’ll understand what has to happen when the heroes travel forward into a tangent reality in which they never stop Savage, and he bought their mom breast implants, owns a billion casinos and is now running for president.
American Idol (FOX, 8:00 p.m.) — And then there were 10.
Life in Pieces (CBS, 8:30 p.m.) — Heather, Heather, Heather … gotta be more careful when you’re sexting, dude. Not everybody wants that kind of information. Like, your son can’t unsee that. Really not cool.
Mom (CBS, 9:00 p.m.) — Spread your legs, crouch and cough. Christy, Jill and Wendy help Bonnie smuggle something across the Canadian border. Is it Deux Deux Deuxs? Bet it’s Deux Deux Deuxs.
The Blacklist (NBC, 9:00 p.m.) — America’s most convenient bank is (ostensibly), TD Bank. But if you’re an assassin, special agent or some other type of super secret humanized weapon who deals with the underbelly of society, you probably use “The Caretaker” to store your valuables.
The 100 (The CW, 9:00 p.m.) — Unlike anyone who’s had the displeasure of watching Fuller House, Clarke takes John Stamos seriously and ponders the value of having mercy.
2 Broke Girls (CBS, 9:30 p.m.) — The girls play Entourage. Someone’s trying to option the film rights to Caroline’s rags-to-riches tale, so she brings Max out to L.A. with her to get the Hollywood experience. In real life, they’d probably just “medicate” and go to Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles, right?
How to Get Away With Murder (ABC, 10:00 p.m.) — You know that tackling drill that teaches pee-wee football players how to take the proper angle toward a ball-carrier running down the sideline? That, but with Annalise trying to get her students to stay one step ahead of Phillip.
Prey (BBCA, 10:00 p.m.) — Tonight is the premiere of Prey, a British drama focused on John Simm’s Marcus Farrow, a Manchester detective who’s been wrongly accused (and arrested) for murder, and has to escape to clear his name.
Elementary (CBS, 10:00 p.m.) — There once was an old lady who lived in a shoe, and maybe murdered three gangsters in cold blood?
Baskets (FX, 10:00 p.m.) — What’s the only thing better than having a DJ at your family party? Having two DJs at your family party. Duh.
Shades of Blue (NBC, 10:00 p.m.) — You either die a hero, or live long enough see to Wozniak do horrible, horrible things and force you into becoming a rat. That’s how that quote goes, right?
Colony (USA, 10:00 p.m.) — Snyder keeps a promise and Will gets one step closer to learning the truth.
Idiotsitter (Comedy Central, 10:30 p.m.) — Prom for homeschooled kids probably isn’t all that fun. But prom for folks gettin’ their GEDs? Now those folks probably know how to throw a party.
Late Night Guests:
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert — Tim Daly, Krysten Ritter and Jason Isbell
Conan — Kate Hudson, Robert Patrick and Lake Street Dive
The Late Late Show With James Corden — Casey Affleck and Lucy Hale
The Daily Show — Michael Hayden
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon — Gerard Butler, Jenny Slate and The 1975
Jimmy Kimmel Live — Kelly Ripa, Billy Brown and Tinashe & Snakehips featuring Chance the Rapper
Late Night With Seth Meyers — Angela Bassett and MisterWives