Hi, I’m Randy “Tank” Thompson and I’m here to talk to you about what our government and our so-called news media won’t; the possibility of a Dallas Cowboys winning season.
Don’t think it cannot happen. People might make fun of you for getting ready now. Your coworkers, your friends and even your family will laugh at you for even entertaining the notion the Dallas Cowboys will finish above 8-8 in 2014. They’ll say words like “December” and “Romo” and “how did you get my home address” but you should not be dissuaded from preparing from the truth: the Dallas Cowboys may finish above .500 this season and you need to be prepared for when the SHTF.
How deep does the conspiracy go? Let’s look at the five markers those pinheads on SportsCenter are NOT telling that could lead to a winning season for Dallas.
1) They still have to play the rest of the NFC East. Twice. The Washington Liberals are living up to their name and failing their fans every time they take the field, so it shouldn’t be surprising that they’ll turn to jelly when faced with the red-blooded strength of the Cowboys. That’s two more wins for Big D. The New York City Giants have been struggling, but at their heart they’re a good, God-fearing team under Tom Coughlin. Split that series.
Even if they lose both games to the Philadelphia Eagles, that’s still three more wins to go with the five they already have. Eight wins and we haven’t even looked at the rest of the schedule. You don’t have to be Einstein or even have a high school diploma like me to know that is a good start on a winning season.
2) Jacksonville Jaguars. They say their new owner was born in America, but they also that about our president and we know that ain’t true. Win for Dallas.
3) Chicago Bears. The Bears have never been the same since real American Mike Ditka left and it shows with their limp-wristed, pansy quarterback who cares more about putting his peen in a woman who walks around expecting cameras to be watching her every move.
Now, I don’t know about you, but I don’t trust a woman who needs that much attention. My wife knows that everything I do is for her and our family and I have sworn to keep her safe no matter what goes down in this country, but she’s a hard working woman who can also catch and scale fish to feed us. If she saves enough on coupons to also buy herself a bottle of nail polish, that’s her business. But she knows she doesn’t have to be a gussied up, a real woman has a natural beauty that comes from being there for her husband and their family, not some “reality” TV show. While the rest of this country rots watching a fake reality of fancy restaurants and purses that cost more than my last truck, we’re out here preparing for the future because the real reality is that Dallas Cowboys are 13-11 against the Bears all-time and it could be 14-11 by the time this season is over. One more win for the D.
4) Arizona Cardinals. This one worries me. Arizona has played some tough teams like the San Diego Chargers and won, but they’ve also lost to to the Washington Liberals. They also had an early bye week, so they might be pretty tired by the time we get to them. This game could break either way, but I’m going to go ahead and put this one in the win column because Arizona is Texas light, same mentality but without all the education and money.
They also caved on passing a religious rights bill that people mislabeled as “discrimination” because they were worried about losing some liberal California tourist and advertising dollars, and I just can’t respect that. Now, I think we should all be able to lead our own lives how we see fit and let others lead their lives how they seem fit if no one isn’t bothering nobody, but not passing a bill that would allow people to not make money because they got some beef with how others live just doesn’t make sense to me. Making people make money they don’t want to sounds like welfare and if those people don’t want a handout, you shouldn’t make them take one. Entitlements are why this country is not going to be ready for a Cowboys winning season.
5) Jerry Jones had that lawsuit dismissed for getting his pole waxed. A win is a win and this one is just another good omen for the Dallas Cowboys.
And that’s just the first five reasons. We don’t have time to get into how the Chinese all like to support the Dallas Cowboys — bet you didn’t know the Cowboys are one the most valuable brand names in the world like IBM and Smith & Wesson — how a Cowboys win helps their economy in both jersey making and buying. Them Thailandese workers will sew Cowboys jerseys for three weeks just to turn around and sell them to their cousins in China now that they have so much of our money to spend without even seeing a Cowboys game or even knowing who Brandon Carr is or what a two-gap alignment even looks like.
Now that you’ve educated yourself on why you need to be ready for a Dallas Cowboys winning season, now is the time to get you and your family prepared. Grocery stores only keep two-three days worth of food on their shelves and if there is a Dallas Cowboys run in the playoffs, you better bet your ass there is going to be a run on supplies. We’re going to see both Wall Street scum and Mexican gang-bangers all show up in Aikman and Irvin jerseys mobbing the chip aisle and you don’t want your poor wife and kids to get caught in the middle of dangerous situation. By planning now, your neighbor might look at you funny, but come January he’ll be knocking at your door for help because he didn’t take his family’s safety and well-being into consideration for when Dallas not only is in the playoffs, but has a first week bye.
The time to prepare for the Cowboys winning apocalypse is now my fellow patriots and I’m here to show you what you need. There might be other guys out there selling lists and “how-to” kits on the internet, but they’re all trying to make a quick buck and prey on the fear we all have about FEMA and out of control military spending by the local police. I’m putting this list up for FREE for my fellow fans because some of us still believe in helping each other out by sharing information so each man can do the work himself, like it was back in the days of cowboys working the land. You wouldn’t ask for your neighbor for his prize cow, but he would gladly tell you what he fed her to make her so healthy.
37 Items You Need in the Event of a Cowboys Winning Apocalypse
1) A gun. If you don’t have one, this is your time to get one so you have time to pass all the damn clearances, but odds are if you are reading this list, you already have one. Still, I like to start all my lists with a gun because it might be a good idea to get another one.
2) 47 pounds of brisket (per family of four)
3) 124 turkey legs
4) 78 cases of Bud Light (per drinker, per playoff week)
6) Lighter fluid
9) Dried beans
10) Dehydrated tomatoes that can be reconstituted for salsa
11) Dried herbs
12) 19 cases of potato chips
13) 27 cases of corn chips
14) Shelf-stable cheese sealed in wax
15) 31 bricks of Velveeta
16) 42 cans of Rotel
17) 30 cans of canned chili
18) 4 cases of Jack Daniels (per drinker, per playoff week)
19) 124 cases of Dr. Pepper (per drinker, per playoff week)
20) 78 cases of Diet Dr Pepper (per female, per playoff week)
21) 3 pounds dried chiles of choice
22) 98 gallons of fry oil
23) 178 catfish
24) 20 cans of Skoal
25) Canned pie filling
26) 2 spare television
28) A new camping trailer
30) Bear spray
31) Handcrank radio
32) A copy of Boys Will Be Boys: The Glory Days and Party Nights of the Dallas Cowboys Dynasty
33) Jason Witten signed Bible
34) Gas-soaked effigy of Jerry Jones (in case things go sideways)
35) Tom Landry-style fedora
36) First-aid kit
37) Emergency contact list of everyone you know who isn’t a Cowboys fan so you call them and yell, “How bout them Cowboys!!!” and then hangup.
And that is going to be what you need for when you face the Cowboys winning apocalypse. Now all you have to do it sit back, set up a roadside-stand selling Cowboys flags and bumper stickers to the thousands of hapless bandwagoners to make a little extra cash to pay for all this stuff, and soon you’ll be mayor of your little one-Dairy Queen town ready to rename itself Romoville after the Super Bowl.