A College Student Reportedly Stole An Ambulance Then Masturbated In A Police Station While On Molly

Stefan Sortland accomplished more in one night than most people do their entire lives.

It began at a concert on Halloween, where the 18-year-old Colorado State University student reportedly took molly and cocaine. According to ABC 7, “emergency crews with Poudre Valley Hospital were treating an intoxicated student for seizures on campus in Fort Collins early Sunday morning, and when they came outside with the patient, their ambulance was gone.” Using the ambulance’s GPS, the authorities found it in the middle of the highway, “with several doors open, heavy front-end damage, and fluid leaking.” Guess who was there?

Officers said they found 18-year-old Stefan Sortland standing about 30 yards from the stopped ambulance wearing an EMT vest. Officers shot him with a stun gun when he refused their commands.

Sortland had a blanket, a cell phone, and a box of Wheat Thins with him. (Via)

Did Sortland find the box of Wheat Thins in the ambulance, or did he grab them before going on his joyride? I have so many questions, the world has so few answers.

Police said that Sortland admitted he took the ambulance from CSU, then refused to answer questions, but commented, “Why are the lights flashing on the cars?”

Sortland was taken to the Loveland Police Department. There he “stood on a bench, kicked the wall, and masturbated,” according to the police report. (Via)

It doesn’t end here. Sortland said that his “friends/roommates were dead, in heaven, and had committed suicide,” but when the cops went to check, they found them safe and sound. Oops. Then while being transported to jail, Sortland “apologized to [for] his actions.” Aw, that’s nice of…

However, the Larimer County Sheriff’s Office said a few hours later, when Sortland was in the booking area at the jail, he attacked two deputies who were bringing him lunch.

Sortland is accused of punching one deputy in the face causing a concussion and facial swelling, officials said.

A second deputy suffered an abrasion and an finger sprain during attempts to gain control of Sortland, according to the sheriff’s office. (Via)

So, to recap, he’s facing charges of *takes deep breath* “aggravated vehicle theft, obstructing EMS, reckless driving, hit-and-run, criminal mischief, attempted motor vehicle theft, unlawful possession of a controlled substance, and criminal charges of assault for the jail incident.”

I blame the Wheat Thins.

ABC 7 via Bro Bible