A Guide To Hosting An Awesome Super Bowl Party Without Getting Fat

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You stupid fucking idiot.

You told yourself you’d be good this year. You weren’t gonna eat that much over Christmas, and you’d keep the late-night pizza runs to a minimum. And hey, you have! Good job! Too bad you fucked it up by agreeing to host a Super Bowl party this year.

Thanksgiving and Christmas get a lot of flak for throwing people off of their normal diet, and for good reason. But at least traditional holiday foods like turkey and sweet potatoes, though rich in fat most of the time, contain proteins and other nutrients. By contrast, traditional Super Bowl food consists exclusively of things that will leave assorted residues on your fingers, and in your stomach lining. Most people leave Super Bowl parties with fingers caked in one layer of Cheeto dust, a layer of oil from the buffalo wings covering that, a healthy coating of Doritos JACKED ™ crumbs, and a final brushing of pizza grease. Then they don’t poop for 2 weeks.

Don’t be that guy. It’s super easy to host a pretty great Super Bowl party and not need to have an emergency defibrillator on hand. Read on.


Chips and dip. Obviously. Now, guacamole is traditionally the go-to here, and for good reason. It’s delicious, and pretty good for you. The issue is that if you get guacamole, you also inevitably end up buying Tostitos! Scoops tortilla chips and eating 3.5 full bags of them, which kind of defeats the whole purpose of, y’know, putting the bare minimum into eating healthy. So we’re going to go in a slightly different direction here.