A Homeless Man Was Caught Having Sex With A Mattress Outside Of A Retirement Home

A homeless man in Derry, UK has been charged with indecent behavior after being caught having sex with a mattress in the parking lot of an old folk’s home. Yes, you read that right: With the mattress, not on the mattress. I guess that’s what they get for leaving stupid sexy mattresses lying around. Seriously though, how would that even work? You’d think there would be some risk of getting “it” caught in springs or whatnot — but you know what, it’s probably better not to think too much about it.

The UK’s Mirror has more details, via Derry’s police sergeant, who busted the same dude (who is also a convicted sex offender, by the way) for stealing charity boxes the previous week:

“He went to the rear car park which is used by staff and by residents. Officers went to check and when they arrived they heard what they described as sex sounds emanating from behind a fence in the car park. He had a handheld DVD player with the volume turned loud.”

“He was laying on a mattress naked from the waist down with his trousers and underwear down by his ankles and he was simulating sex with the mattress. A number of residents in the old peoples’ home were awake at the time but they did not want to make a statement to the police.”

UPROXX has exclusively learned the identity of the man arrested for having sex with a mattress, who we are revealing below:

(Note: Sorry to everyone who doesn’t get the references, but you should seriously go watch Derek. It’s an excellent show. You will thank me for this.)