A Minnesota Hardware Store Employee Jerked Off Into His Coworker’s Coffee ‘To Get Her To Notice Him’

A 34-year-old hardware store employee in Blaine, Minnesota has been charged with two counts of criminal sexual conduct after he was caught leaving, ahem, bodily fluids on his coworker’s desk. The unnamed female victim said that she had caught the man, John Lind, standing at her desk with his back to her, but with his hands around his groinal region. When he noticed her standing behind him, Lind apparently had a “deer in headlights” look and when he left she found “fluid” on her desk, some of which had dripped onto the floor and had been absorbed into her hair scrunchie.

So like, this dude must have really hated his coworker, right? Quite the opposite: Lind was jacking off on his coworker’s stuff because he had a crush on her. Thank god Pepe la Pew never had a functioning penis. According to CBS Minnesota:

On Aug. 28, Lind agreed to meet with police at the New Brighton Public Safety Center, the complaint states. While talking with officers, he admitted to ejaculating on his co-worker’s desk and coffee on Aug. 26, which was his birthday. He then went on to admit that he’d ejaculated in her coffee twice in the last six months, and on her desk four times, wiping up the mess with the scrunchy.

You’re really gonna deny a guy a birthday wank onto his best girl’s desk?

He told police he was attracted to his co-worker and did this to get her to notice him. He also said that he knew it was “gross and wrong,” the complaint states.

The worker told police that her coffee had tasted strange on numerous occasions – more than twice in the last several months. She said she initially thought the taste was spoiled cream, but when police informed her that Lind admitted to tampering with her coffee, she said “I knew it.”

Well that’s the strangest reaction I’ve ever heard to someone hearing that their coffee was peen-roofied. At the risk of sounding victim blamey, if I had even an inkling that some pervert was jerking off into my coffee — I would probably be a little bit more careful about where I left my coffee.

(CBS Minnesota via Gawker)