A Real Scientific Study Which Is Somehow Not An April Fools’ Gag

Masturbation calms restless leg syndrome.”  This is the actual headline for a real article about a real scientific study, although this article.  Past studies have found “shellacking the porch”* to be helpful in reducing prostate cancer risk and relieving hay fever (and boredom).  Now a real study which actually exists suggests “interrogating the suspect”* may also alleviate Restless Leg Sydrome.

RLS interferes with sleep by causing an urge to move the legs, characterized by tingling, aching, and itching.  An imbalance of dopamine is a likely trigger.  Typically, RLS patients use drugs which stimulate dopamine receptors.  Now Luis Marin and his team at the Federal University of São Paulo, Brazil have theorized that the surge of dopamine released while “Tuesdaying with Morrie”* can also alleviate RLS symptoms.  Meanwhile, Gert Holstege at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands studied brain scans of men who were “dancing the Merengue”* and found the scans to be similar to a heroin rush.  And in typical scientific sexism, the researchers only studied male subjects as they “battled the Jörmungandr”*.  Start testing this on women immediately.  For science.

Restless Leg Syndrome affects seven to ten percent of the population in the U.S. and Europe, according to the New Scientist article. As someone who actually works in a pharmacy, that statistic seems wildly inflated or maybe we just have something magical in our local water supply which has decreased the incidence to only one percent or less.  Which reminds me, it’s about time to pay a visit to the reservoir and spike the punch again.  I’m helping.

* medical terminology