A Savior Comes To New York

03.21.12 6 years ago 155 Comments

Tebow: Oh, heavenly Father. O holy see. You have tested me time and again and I thank you for that, O Lord. I thank You for Your pain. I thank You for Your agonies. I thank You for the gift of Your punishing love. Were it not for my endangered time in utero, or that one time I lost to Ole Miss and cried, I would not be the man I am today. I can only be humble and hope that Your will shall lead me to yet unforeseen places of spiritual growth.

(sky flies open)

GOD: Timothy.

Tebow: My heavens! Do my eyes deceive me? IT IS YOU! (drops down onto belly) O Holiest of Holocenes, I am Your faithful servant and caretaker.

GOD: You will no longer be a Bronco, Timothy. That is not my plan for you. Frankly, your whole thing would have gotten played out crazy fast there.

Tebow: But where now, Your Divine Comedian?

GOD: I am sending You to the wickedest place of all. A land of decay and lechery. A haven of BUGGERY and false worship. Only YOU, dear Timothy, can bend it to My will. And get me the major market ratings that my boss, Roger Cunthead Goodell, demands.

Tebow: Where’s that, O Lord?

(meanwhile, in New York)


Mark Sanchez: Wow, Shonn! I got a contract extension!

Shonn Greene: Uhhhhhh…

Mark Sanchez: The team could have tried to get Peyton Manning, but they chose me! That means they like me more than Peyton Manning!

Shonn Greene: Uh, dude?

Mark Sanchez: This is just the vote of confidence I needed! No more looking behind my back! No more wondering whether or not everyone believes in me! This is IT, Shonn. This is finally my team!

Shonn Greene: No one told you yet, huh?

Mark Sanchez: Told me what?

Shonn Greene: Listen, I’mma go get, like, a soda and shit. You’re on your own.

Sanchez: What aren’t you telling me, Shonn? What’s going on?

(God’s tractor beam flies open)

Tebow: Hmm. What is this place? It smells so strange. Almost a metallic, feral kind of scent. Like unwashed privates.

Sanchez: Oh hey, Tim Tebow! Big fan of your work, guy!

Tebow: GASP! Mark Sanchez! Of course. OF COURSE! New York! I’ve been sent to New York! Concrete church where converts are made of!

Sanchez: What are you talking about? Didn’t you get traded to Jacksonville or something?

(door flies open)



Tebow: GASP! (closes eyes) Heavenly Lord, be not concerned of this man’s tongue, nor his charitable girth. I have seen Your message and it is carved in stone.

Sanchez: Coach, what’s Tim Tebow doing here?

Ryan: Take a walk with me, Nacho.

(takes a walk)

Nacho, you know how the NFL suspended all those people for bounties?

Sanchez: Yes.

Ryan: And remember our weekly Involuntary Blood Donation Drive?

Sanchez: Yes.

Ryan: Yeah well, turns out that Redfaced McCuntylick in the league office wasn’t wild about that program, but he didn’t want to punish us openly for it, because then it would have looked like the whole bounty thing was leaguewide.

Sanchez: But it was!

Ryan: But you can’t suspend everybody, Squirtboy. So we made a little under-the-table deal. We got docked a fourth rounder. And we had to take on… Well, that guy over there.

Tebow: (mumbles prayer over and over again, nodding head)

Ryan: TEBOW! Your new nickname is Markbrad Smithnell!

Tebow: Nicknames are forbidden in the Bible, sir. They are considered lazy and wicked.

Ryan: Oh for shit’s sake.

Sanchez: Well, I’m honored to have you here as my backup, Tim. Whatever guidance you need to help learn this offense, I am here to mentor you as you see fit.

Ryan: (chokes on donut)

Tebow: Oh, I intend to win the starting job.

Sanchez: Yeah, right! Keep dreaming! I got an extension! I’m good, right coach?

Ryan: Uhhh…

Sanchez: Coach?

Ryan: It’s an open competition, Nacho.

Sanchez: GASP! I thought you had faith in me!

Ryan: Son, I don’t have faith in anything except the taste of a fine cigar and pertness of sixteen-year-old thighs. You two dimestore Rick Mirers are gonna have to duke it out on the field.

Tebow: An opportunity is all I ask for.

Sanchez: Yeah well, I have a better arm! (throws ball, hits ceiling fan by accident)

Tebow: (throws ball, magical golden sheep appears and catches it in its teeth)

Ryan: Now THAT I could use!

Sanchez: Well, I know all the lyrics to “Guys & Dolls”!

Tebow: Broadway is a den of homosexual worship that stymies God’s gift of procreation. Had my mother been a lesbian, I might not ever have been born.


Sanchez: I have the respect of my teammates!

Tebow: God’s love is all I need.

Sanchez: I’m bilingual!

Tebow: (congratulates him in Filipino, Mandarin, and Catalonian)

Sanchez: I’m not a virgin!!!!!

Tebow: (hesitates)

Ryan: Well now, this just got interesting. What about it, Bradmark? Ever pull your snake out of the Garden? Ever bend a girl over a pew? Ever stick your cock in the Valley of Darkness?

Tebow: No, sir.


Ryan: Oh! Oh! Oh, ol’ Bradmark finally tagged himself a little… Wait, WHAT?! Seriously?

Tebow: No, sir.

Ryan: Does that mean you’re gay?

Tebow: No, sir.

Ryan: Because you’re a well-built guy. No one here would begrudge you a handjob in the gym sauna.

Tebow: No, sir.

Ryan: (slaps Tebow on the ass, HARD)

Tebow: OUCH!

Ryan: Nothing? No semi-chub from that?

Tebow: No.

Ryan: Well, it’s not how I would go about my business, but I like your willpower, Smithnell. Welcome aboard. YOU’RE MY NEW STARTING QB!

Sanchez: WHAT?!

Ryan: Oh come on, we may as well get it over with. Would have happened in Week 4 otherwise. Now Tebow, ARE YOU READY TO FUCKING KILL?!!!!

Tebow: No.

Ryan: Are you ready to MURRRRRRRDER?!

Tebow: No.

Ryan: Are you ready for STEAKS AND BLOWJOBS?!

Tebow: Steaks, yes. Blowjobs, no.

Ryan: We’re gonna have to work together on this. Hmm. How about… ARE YOU READY TO VANQUISH EVIL FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH?!

Tebow: (pumps fist) YES!


Tebow: YES!


(all hands in)



Ryan: You are fucking WINNER, kid. In fact, that’s the only nice thing it says on your resume. I think we can do this.

Tebow: It is God’s will.

Ryan: Whatever. Right now, God’s will is telling me I have to take a growler the size of your prayer hymnal.

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