A Portland, Oregon man has listed his mattress, which he’s giving away for free, on Craigslist in the most spectacularly sad fashion. According to the ad, the anonymous man’s wife left him three years ago following a tumultuous year of marriage in which she allegedly had frequent indiscretions with men she met on the internet. Mmm, free mattress!
But he’s finally ready to move on with his life … Sort of … Which is why he’s looking for a home for this perfectly good 2010 Serta.
Here’s the full ad text:
It has been three years since my wife left me, four years since we were first married, and four years since we bought this mattress (pictured below, serta, 2010 model, offset coil). My wife was a feisty woman in and outside of the bedroom, full disclosure. Rest assured we had the mattress steam cleaned multiple times since our honey moon phase..before it quickly escalated into our matrimonial hell phase.. at which point, I was sleeping on the couch, and my wife used this bed for escapades with men from the internet. Full disclosure. I had the bed steam cleaned so there should be no issues, at all, other than the fact you will have to think of these things every night before you fall asleep on this mattress. This is the price you pay for a free mattress, ok.
This mattress has some wonderful, blissful, memories attached to it which is the only reason I held on to it for so long after she left me. I still imagine making love to her on it.
Now you can too! Imagine me making love to her that is, though I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve made love to her also.
Allison, if you’re reading this, I love you baby. Please just come back.
The mattress is free ok, just come get it. If I don’t answer the phone it’s because I’m taking a shower and crying.
It should be noted that there is not actually a phone number associated with the listing, so it sounds like someone just went to the Robin Thicke School of Trying to Win Your Wife Back. It’s been three years, dude, let it go. Allison isn’t coming back, and if she did she’d probably just cheat on you again, and all that steam cleaning adds up.