The Brave People Of Dadeville, Alabama Are Banning Saggy Pants And Mini-Skirts For Equality

Seems like at least once a year, some American town that we’ve never heard of makes the news because its residents are fed up with young people and their saggy pants. “Pull yer pants up,” the old people shout while shaking their fists in rage at the fact that they have nothing better to worry about. For a week or so, it seemed like Dadeville, Alabama would be the next town to join the pointless parade of pants police, but its pissed off residents and city council members decided that they wanted to fight for more than just everyone’s right to not look at some dude’s underwear. That’s right, they’re fighting for equality. Specifically, the equality of telling men and women what they’re not allowed to wear.

Dadeville City Councilwoman Stephanie Kelley recently went to bat for her town’s inappropriately dressed women, saying that an ordinance that would ban saggy pants on men should be fair to everyone. “I don’t want us to be showing favoritism,” she said in regard to her proposal to also ban mini-skirts and short shorts, because no one should have fun. This is all about people respecting themselves, according to City Councilman Frank Goodman, who has been pushing his saggy pants ban since 2008. And he’s not doing it because of his personal prejudices. He’s doing it because God never wore saggy pants. Sagginess is not, it turns out, next to Godliness.

For more on your saggy pants leading you straight to hell, anchors Tom Storey and Briana Lane weigh in on today’s episode of The Desk.