Alex Smith Rankings: Everybody Sucks Edition!

10.21.14 3 years ago 8 Comments


It’s a difficult time for Alex Smith Rankings, because almost none of our favorite middling quarterbacks have been so much as adequate lately. Pretty much all of the mainstays in this feature have had at least one crappy game in the past two weeks. Before we go in, a moment of silence for Kirk Cousins, who is you thought he was (and is certainly not worth a first-rounder from anybody). Worth noting, I had no intention of making the “moment of silence for the QB who got benched since the last column” a regular feature, but every time I do this, another guy loses his job, and it is fun to keep track of. Now then, onto the list!

1. Carson Palmer – Arizona Cardinals
Palmer’s only played in three games, but it’s worth noting that he’s been really good, like “as good as he’s been since that playoff injury sort of ruined him” good. 35-year-old Carson Palmer is the type of guy Alex Smith Rankings were made to honor, because he stands for all things 2011 Alex Smith stood for; decent enough to stay the fuck out of the way, and once in a great while he’ll actually make a play. By most measures, Palmer has had a pretty good career – two Pro Bowls and 219 career touchdowns. But he’s the sort of guy who you look at, and wonder how much more he could have done if he stayed healthy, and played in a better situation. If he gets to gently guide the Cards on a deep playoff run, it’d be a nice late-career reward for a guy who’s never quite had the odds in his favor.

I’m still kinda curious about what Logan Thomas Time would have looked like, though.

Rating: 3 Vengeanceful Kimo Von Oelhoffen’s Out Of 2

2. Austin Davis – St. Louis Rams
After blowing the second half of the Niers game, this should be too high for Davis, but during this awful stretch, there was no one else who deserved to go here. Davis played well against a Seahawks team that might actually be pretty average (3-3, and they don’t look any better). Meanwhile, the Rams look like the team that doesn’t realize how good it is until it’s too late. Seriously, if they don’t blow winnable games against the Cowboys and Niners, they could be 4-2 and challenging for the division. Instead, they’re 2-4 and prematurely screwed. But hey, if I’m rooting for anyone to win seven or eight games in a row and challenge for a playoff spot, it’s Austin Davis. Just as long as they let him in the building.

Rating: 9 Sad Cardinals Fans Giving You The Puppy Dog Look Out Of 9

3. Alex Smith – Kansas City Chiefs
With a huge win over the Chargers, the Chiefs are 3-3, and contending for the last playoff spot with about 634 other 3-3 or 4-3 AFC teams. There’s only so much to say about Smith – he’s being the same just-good-enough QB he always is, except this year, the Chiefs lost their first two games, so it might not be enough. But hey, if nothing else, by beating the Chargers, he made the possibility of Marmalard winning MVP a little less likely, and for that, I salute him.


Rating: 11 Boxes Of Santorum 2012 Bumper Stickers Decaying In Philip Rivers’ Garage Out 14

4. Colt McCoy – Washington Redskins
Is it possible to think a QB sucks, and yet, also feel like he got screwed over? Because that’s where I am with McCoy in Cleveland. Was he good for the Browns? No. But he still didn’t deserve to lose his job to Brandon Fucking Weeden! I mean, really, your solution to your QB woes is to draft a guy three years older than the guy you’ve already given up on? McCoy totally got jobbed out of a chance to go 2-5 in 2012 before being benched for Seneca Wallace. But hey, he had a great day for Washington yesterday, ending the Kirk Cousins Hot Take era, and giving Colin Cowherd’s listeners a new white QB to virulently insist is better than RG3. Amusingly enough, McCoy will get to start against Weeden’s Dallas Cowboys. Could a Romo injury lead us to the McCoy-Weeden showdown that no one other than me has been desperately clamoring for? I suuuuuuuuuuure hope so!

Rating: 16 1st Round Draft Picks Wasted On 29-Year-Old Quarterbacks Out Of 21

5. Kyle Orton – Buffalo Bills
I watched that Bills-Vikings game from start to finish, and it was amazing how dreadful both teams were. The Bills turned the ball over in two situations where they were pretty much guaranteed to score, and they lost their top two running backs, yet they still pulled the win against that wreteched Vikings team. Anyway, the newly Neckbeard-less Neck beard sucked most of the game, with two brutal turnovers, but unlike EJ, he doesn’t float the ball 20 yards over Sammy Watkins’ head, so Buffalo is pretty happy with him right now. Next week, the Bills take on the Jets – the only team more hilarious than Minnesota, and I currently have them winning by a score of 0-(-3).

18 Porn ‘Staches Canceled Before Their Time Out Of 26

6. Brian Hoyer – Cleveland Browns
You knew the Jags were taking that game. It was too easy and obvious that the Browns would pull it off, so of course, Jacksonville had to find a pulse and kill the Browns by 18 points despite three Blake Bortles interceptions. It was a nice bit of insult to injury that the Jags’ biggest key to victory was Denard Robinson, who played quarterback at Michigan, the arch-rivals of Hoyer’s Spartans. Anyway, I’m not writing Hoyer off after one poor performance, but it’s worth noting that the Browns are stuck in a highly competitive division, and if Hoyer starts throwing picks (which he’s been almost too good at avoiding), they could fall into the cellar pretty quickly. If they can’t take down a Jaguars team that didn’t play a great deal worse than they normally do, the Browns may not be long for this world.

6 Weeks Until The 4-8 Browns Throw Johnny Football In Out Of 12

7. Geno Smith – New York Jets
I THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD! WE ALL DID! After week-after-week of crapatacular performances by Geno (not to mention when he flipped off the crowd), I was sure the Jets would throw in Michael Vick, and end this madness. Then, I realized something: Michael Vick really doesn’t want to play football. I’m pretty sure he has no interest whatsoever in playing this season, or possibly ever again. That’s why he didn’t prepare for the Chargers, and that’s why Geno is still going out there every week. Well, at least he had a decent showing against New England. I had left him for dead, but Smith way yet win the coveted title of “Not Quite As Shitty As EJ Manuel.” Enjoy it now Jets fans, because in two weeks, you’ll be hearing about Geno and Harvin’s locker-room death match.

Rating: 7 Michael Vick Don’t Caaaaare’s Out Of 15

8. Teddy Bridgewater – Minnesota Vikings
Okay…okay…I mean…..should we be a little worried how much Bridgewater has sucked the last two weeks? I mean, Leodis McKelvin picked him off on two straight throws! And he’s not even good! I’ve watched that dude get burned his entire seven-year career, and Teddy B. made him look like fucking Revis circa 2009 in that game. Alright, I’ll give Bridgewater a break partly because going against the Lions and Bills — two of the league stronger defenses — is not an ideal situation for any QB, much less a rookie, but I hope he shows some of the promise he showed in the Falcons game. Really though, between Bridgewater, Bortles, and Carr, this rookie class will be best remembered for the godawful teams they all had to begin their careers with. They all have my deepest sympathies.

Rating: 5 Hot Take Artists Brow-Beating You About How Important Pro Days Are Out Of 12

9. Charlie Whitehurst Tennessee Titans
It’s so perfect that Whitehurst gets to play for the Titans, because he is to quarterbacks what they are to teams; he just sort of hangs around there. You briefly forget he even exists, and then you’re like “oh yeah, that guy.” I think that’s where the expression to “suck out loud” comes from. It takes a certain kinda genus to suck in a way where no one notices how much you suck. Kirk Cousins? That guy sucks out loud. Charlie Whitehurst? For the last eight years, he’s mastered the art of sucking quietly.

6 Poor Man’s Billy Volek’s Out Of 17

10. Ryan Fitzpatrick – Houston Texans
I know it’s not all Fitz’s fault the Texans suck lately, and having something like this happen:

is hardly your fault. But still, is ANYONE in Houston happy about Fitz right now? They got him in the hope that he would not suck enough for them to make the playoffs. They’re 1-4 in their last five, with their only win coming in the game that cost EJ Manuel his job. Enough of this, throw Mallett in there, or better yet, make my Pitt-loving friend Spilly happy and see what Tom Savage can do. You’ve got nothing to lose either way.

14 Days Until J.J. Watt Kills Ryan Fitzpatrick With A Hammer In His Sleep Out Of 99

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