Be Happy You’re Not Spending Christmas With The ‘Always Sunny’ Gang

It’s easy to watch It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and wonder what it would be like to be one of that deplorable gang or hang with them for the holidays, but the truth is that few of us could survive the ordeal of running with that crew, and none of us could put up with their antics in close quarters on Christmas day; as these moments will prove.

They are not good at toasts.

It takes some careful consideration to come up with the right words to sum up a family gathering during the holidays. The words in the above clip are not the right ones, but the post-toast reaction might speak more to the trapped inner emotions of your guest than you’d like to admit.

Their Christmas carols will be off-key and ill-timed. 

Singing about chestnuts roasting on an open fire while standing in front of a piano sipping from some hot buttered rum? A Christmas card in motion. Sitting on the stoop butchering Biz Markie’s ‘Just a Friend’ while sipping nog from a brown paper bag while your neighbors try to enjoy their quiet family time on Christmas morning? Not so much.

They will not do the dishes after a holiday feast.

I don’t think you should even ask — the gang has a clear aversion to doing dishes. Dee, especially, isn’t the one I’d trust with my fine china — not if I want to see.

They will steal the spotlight and it will be embarrassing.

While the gang doesn’t constantly put themselves out there, when they do, they do it in big ways and it typically leads to some sort of trainwreck. This was showcased brilliantly when they went to their high school reunion, hoping to make a good impression and relive their non-existent former glory. Just think, this could be your living room and your ice bucket.

Their Christmas pageant will take you right out of the holiday season.

The gang stepped up their game with “The Nightman Cometh,” but while the craftsmanship is undeniable, the adult themes and lines like, “You’ve gotta pay the troll toll, if you want to get into that boy’s hole, you gotta pay the troll toll to get in,” might sour your Christmas spirit.

They continually ruin the lives of those around them.

And finally, in an effort to fully dissuade you from wanting to hang with the gang, I urge you to find any supporting character that has made an appearance on the past ten seasons of the series and look at how terrible their lives have become. This is no more noticeable than in the character Cricket. In season two, in his first appearance, he was a priest who’s only misfortune was his crush on Dee. By season three, he was homeless and a cocaine addict and had his legs broken by the mob because of Charlie and Dee.

In season five, Cricket’s throat is accidentally slashed by Frank (which, apparently, results in a scar that is very attractive to feral dogs), who shoots him in season seven. There’s also the burn wounds he sustains later. All because Cricket befriended the gang. That kind of track record is reason enough to never want to spend the holidays with the gang from Paddy’s Pub.