Got Amazon Prime? Prepare For Some Heartbreaking News

Life & Culture Editor
08.31.15 11 Comments

Amazon Prime has long been the reason many of us could safely not leave the house for days at a time. The 2010s were a time when hope was high, life was worth living, and the promise of toothpaste, books, and all manner of food and cleaning supplies (not to mention video games, whole sound systems, and last-minute gifts) delivered to your door in two days or less made you giddy with the excitement of a child on Christmas morning. But that’s all about to change.

According to Gizmodo, the online retailer is giving sellers the opportunity to “ship by region,” meaning that the companies who work with Amazon but ship from their own facilities will no longer need to honor the 48-hour shipping deadlines that have been promised to us as card-carrying members. These items will still ship for free, of course—although it’s not free! You’re paying for Prime— but they could take days to arrive. Even now, items I’m ordering from across the country are taking a little longer than expected and while I can absolutely understand that demanding my 55-gallon bucket of lube be delivered by the time my party is set to rock on Thursday is unreasonable, it doesn’t mean that any of us have to be happy about it. Not a bit!

From The Wall Street Journal, which first reported this crime against humanity:

The merchants may limit how far they will ship some items – large-screen televisions, for example – with the two-day guarantee under Prime. If a Prime customer is outside that region, shipping may take longer.

Amazon, for now, is limiting the option to a select group of sellers authorized to list items as Prime-eligible even when the goods are housed in non-Amazon warehouses. That program aims to expand the number of items showing up in search results for Prime, Amazon’s $99-a-year program that offers free two-day shipping on most items. Previously, all merchants had to ship their goods to Amazon warehouses first for them to be Prime-eligible.

What will we do? How will we live? More importantly, what are all our friends going to think when they show up for the lube and crackers parties we’ve promised them only to find dry, crumbly RITZ Bits, with nary a drop of water/silicone lubricant to be seen, the living room you’ve festooned with streamers proclaiming that this will be the “best party ever” a sad, shameful lie?

Oh, the humanity!

(Via The Wall Street Journal & Gizmodo)

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