It’s still bewildering how no one at the Alaska house party that featured Sarah Palin’s family “brawling” with their “friends” over some “he said, Bristol said” nonsense recorded even one second of video. It’s 2014, for the love of everything, and we have video cameras built into just about every piece of technology that we own. How someone didn’t hold up a cell phone and capture an awful vertical video is beyond me, but at least we finally have some audio. Of course, audio of a fight is about as useful as audio of a porn shoot, but the newest clips in question actually feature members of the Palin family and their enemies telling the Anchorage PD’s finest how it all “went down.”
We’ve already seen the photos from the incident, as released by the police, and we’ve listened to some of the audio, but these latest clips offer us a lot of insight into what it’s like to be young and full of Palin Power. In the beginning of this one particular clip, which features Track Palin, Sarah’s 25-year old son who keeps saying he’s 24, a woman who sounds an awful lot like Sarah (but apparently isn’t, according to Talking Points Memo) tells Track, “Let’s get them on our side,” presumably referring to the police officers taking their statements. While that’s enough to make your eyes roll back like Sisyphus’s boulder on a Tuesday morning, it only gets dumber from there, as Track takes over and makes himself look like the BROiest BRO who has ever BRO’d down.
Fortunately, I speak fluent bro, so I will translate the smooth-talking Track’s statement for everyone’s clarity.
Track: “Alright this is my old man. It’s his birthday, okay. So we’re at this party in Wasilla. Dude, surprise him with a new truck, new trailer, new wrap on the trailer. Everything was f*cking kosher.”
“It was my dearest father’s birthday, so my siblings and I wanted to fill his day with merriment and jubilee with the surprise of a new automobile and trailer, decorated with aplomb, for recreational enjoyment and such. For all of this was to be as proper and spirited as one loving family could ever imagine.”
But how did this whole thing start? We’re still kind of unclear on that. Track explained that it was all started the way that any good party brawl starts.
Track: “So these girls – my sisters – these guys were talking sh*t to them, because they couldn’t pick them up or whatever. They were getting drunk, whatever, having a good time. They were like, ‘No dude, f*ck off! We’re walking away, we’re going home.’ So when they, like, keep trying to hit on my sisters, and they’re crying because they’re like grabbing… *heavy breathing*”
“My darling sisters were being addressed in an uncouth manner by these unkempt, beastly men, who were unable to woo them like proper gentlemen. The ladies said, ‘No sirs, away with your advances, we are departing.’ However, the dastardly men continued their wonton advances, causing them to cry with their unwanted physical behavior… *excited respiration*”
Todd: “The guy cold-cocked Steve. We were leaving the party, and then a father and son team, they came down and cold-cocked one of our friends. That’s kind of how it started.”
Track: “One of the guys coming with us – Steve – he’s a mellow guy, like 30…”
Todd: “He wasn’t asking for any attention or calling anybody any names…”
Track: “He’s like a little p*ssy, you know what I’m saying? Like he’s not gonna fight nobody. He’s walking down frontwards and nobody’s fighting, but he’s the one who’s, like, breaking everybody up, at the time they were fighting, and this kid who’s like 16 f*cking – oh, I’m sorry, dude – from behind hits him, and his dad comes up like, ‘What the f*ck are you guys gonna do?’ and I was like, ‘I’ll f*ckin’ beat your ass!’ That’s my buddy and he’s one of the nicest guys. Then he’s like, ‘Okay, let’s f*ckin’ fight’ but he didn’t fight me. Instead he ran into the woods. I took my shirt off… whatever.
“I got cold-cocked from behind…”
“Steve is not a man that is worthy of mine or anyone else’s efforts in the sport of fisticuffs. He is like a woman, if I am like a man, do you comprehend what I have described? If challenged, he would not accept a duel on the front lawn at dawn. This other brute, however, challenged my authority, to which I replied, ‘I shall conquer you in battle of hands!’ and despite his acceptance of this challenge, he retreated into the surrounding forestry. I then removed my blouse, before I was assaulted from my peripheral.”
After a brief line of questioning by the officer, which Track made sound like a new twist on “Who’s on First?”, the younger Palin man resumed his incredible story…
Track: “Bottom line, they f*ckin’ hit two of us, one is my buddy. He’s the most innocent, basically a gay guy, but he’s not. So I took my shirt off and I was like, ‘F*ck you, let’s f*ckin’ fight.’ They were f*ckin’ pushing girls, man.”
Todd: “It all started when they hit one of our friends. When you see someone knocked to the ground like that, it’s scary.”
Track: “Like a f*ckin’ fish!”
Todd: “That right there triggered everything, and after that it escalated. He was literally out cold.”
Track: “He was asleep.”
“My heterosexual male companion and I were assaulted. He is much like a homosexual; however, he is not actually a homosexual. Thus, I removed my shirt and declared, ‘Now is the time that we attack!’ For they were assaulting women.”
Eventually, as Track and Todd kept repeating the story about how awesome and tough they are, the officer asked Track for his personal information, including the correct spelling of his name. Because he’s so clever, you see, Track spelled his name with the phonetic alphabet used by the police, except he spelling his last name as Palimo. The officer asked him why he said that was his last name and Track apologized for joking around. Then, the officer asked for his address and phone number, and Track did not like that one bit.
Track: “Why? Are you guys gonna contact me or am I being detained? Dude, the mother*cker hit me from behind, man! My phone number is [redacted]. I’m not trying to be a smartass, dude. She got pushed down. Let’s f*ckin’ fight. They ran off into the f*ckin’ woods.”
Todd (to the officer): “Do you want to talk to Bristol?”
Officer: “Yeah, we’re going to talk to a whole bunch of people, so let’s just get through this.”
Todd: “A whole bunch of people?”
Track: “I’m the only one with his shirt and sock off. He (Steve) was knocked the f*ck out, dude. Look at my eye.”
“Why must you have my personal contact information? Have I been accused of wrongdoing? That scoundrel laid hands on me from behind! I am not trying to be a man of ill-intent. My sister was harmed, so let us settle this like men, you coward. Have I not mine shirt and sock removed for battle?”
Soon after, the officer began speaking with Bristol, as one of the men who Track says attacked him walked by, causing him to shout, “F*ck you, mother*cker!” at him and then yell at the officer for not arresting him. “That was one of the guys, no doubt,” he yelled right in front of the officer, adding, “They’re not going to do their jobs, but I will.” Once he settled down, Track posed for some photos for the officers so they could detail his injuries in the police report, and he explained, “Look at my elbow, it looks like a f*ckin’ melon,” adding once again that he was “jumped from behind, man.” Finally, he described his assailants.
Track: “I’ve never met those guys. They were just hammered, talking shit because, like – and this is between us because, you know, my mom is here – we have a big last name, like the Palins, right? And I was like, ‘F*ck you!’ because this one dude pushed my sister down, and I’m like, ‘F*ckin’ stop, dude.’ I’m not gonna put up with any of that.”
“I have never set eyes on those men, but they were inebriated and saying foul things because of my family’s well-respected name in the community. I said, ‘You dare not lay hands on my sister!’ and ‘Please stop doing that, sir’ because I do not stand for such behavior.”
After Track explained to the officer that the injury to his hand was in self-defense – “Because I was, like, punching upward, right?” – he repeated the story about his friend Steve yet again, while the officer displayed the most incredible patience, and he gave us all some insight into how this friendship blossomed.
Track: “I wouldn’t call him, like, a friend, but I have my number in his phone, and he was, like, hanging out with my sister, so I wasn’t too fond of him. But then recently I’ve thought he was a good buddy.”
Not even Nicholas Sparks could translate a relationship that beautiful. Finally, the officer asked Track (yet again) to describe the four men he claimed tackled, flipped and attacked him, and Track was just as helpful as he’d been throughout the last thousand or so words.
Track: “They’re all like little bitches.”
Officer: “You gotta help me out, man. Were they white, black, native?”
Track: “They’re all white… between 23 and 33, because I know one guy is 33.”
That’s odd because he’s never seen any of these guys before, but I digress.
Track: “They’re all skinnier. They’re not, like, fat guys. If it was one-on-one, like, I would beat the sh*t out of them, know what I’m saying? Sorry.”
“They are of the order of youthful female canines. The assailants were Caucasian. Had they challenged me to a one-on-one duel, I would have bludgeoned them until they defecated in their dungarees. Do you comprehend that which I have told you? My apologies.”
But the most bro-tastic quote of them all came shortly after that, as he reiterated that he only lost this fight because he was ambushed and outnumbered.
Track: “One on one, like, I’ll beat their asses. I’m not trying to be gay or nothing, but they’re four guys man. Come on. I’ve done jiu-jitsu my whole life. I’ve wrestled forever. Let’s f*ckin’ roll.”
In conclusion, don’t f*ck with Track Palin, Totally Hetero American Badass.