40 Novels Which Should Be Real: The Best Of #NaNoWriMoOpeners


November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo), which means some writers will be attempting to pen at least 50,000 words of a new novel in only 30 days, however awful that novel may be. The intention is great: challenging people who call themselves “aspiring writers” to stop aspiring and just punch the keys for God’s sake. The results, however, should more often than not be moved to the recycle bin, then emptied just to be sure.

Some NaNoWriMo fans/haters on Twitter are continuing the yearly tradition of making fun of NaNoWriMo with #NaNoWriMoOpeners, in which they post the opening sentences of the worst (best?) novels conceivable. I want to read these 40 imaginary novels much more than any other hastily-written novel to come out of NaNoWriMo this year. Who can resist a novel about the rap world running the Illuminati, or about an equine serial killer, or about Mark Wahlberg pooping various candies? And we’re already thinking about stealing that idea for Wu Tang Hogwarts (protect ya neck, Nearly-Headless Nick).

Our 40 favorite #NaNoWriMoOpeners are collected below.






(Seth MacFarlane missed American Airlines Flight 11 by ten minutes on 9/11/01.)










Masterful foreshadowing.











Those poor, unfortunate souls.