Yesterday Drew offered up this hatchet piece offering a modest bounty to the NFL player who successfully delivered a season-ending knee-injury to Tom Brady.
I, for one, disapprove of such an undertaking. Not only do I suspect that such a measure is illegal, but it also gets in the way of what is truly best for the NFL:
That’s right, I’m cheering for the Patriots. I want them to go 19-0 while cameras cut to the 1972 Dolphins crying. I want them to go 19-0 next year, too, so the cameras can cut to the ’72 Dolphins parked in a closed garage with the engine running. In fact, I’d like to see the Pats win the next three or four or eight Super Bowls.
I’m not a bandwagon fan; I’m an anarchist.
I’m rooting for the Pats the way I root for tornadoes in the town where I went to high school. I root for them the way I cheer sharks on the Discovery Channel, the way I want Entourage to get renewed for ten more seasons, and the way I cheered gravity in Titanic when the people fell the length of the boat and hit the smokestacks on their way down.
I want the boiling point. I want pandemonium. I want the destruction of everything we know. I want Patriots fans to become more insufferable than Steelers fans and Cowboys fans combined. I want civil war.
I picture a world where the handful of intelligent, humble people from New England have to apologize for liking their hometown team. I want the number of Patriots bandwagon fans to make the Yankees’ fan base look like the Marlins’. I want the contrarian fucks at Slate to be right just this once. I want every other NFL team to be the Washington Generals to Brady and Belichick’s Harlem Globetrotters.
Why? Because fuck your stupid sports arguments, that’s why.
I want the people who’ve been ruining my new-NFL-season buzz by bitching and moaning about CameraGate to live with the fact that the New England Patriots’ tyranny was caused by their bitching. Yeah, that’s right: everybody who’s been talking about putting an asterisk by the Pats’ three Super Bowl wins, how they’re cheaters for life, how they’re just like Barry Bonds… do you know what you people are? You’re Seahawks fans still bitching about Super Bowl XL.
Let that sink in for a minute.
So Tom Brady, you keep those knees healthy. Be sure to stretch a lot. Fuck some more models if you think that helps. And please, find a way to get a little more press coverage — we simply can’t get enough of you. GO PATS!