A Guy On Craigslist Only Wants To Sell His Lawn Mower To ‘100% Full-Blooded Americans’

It’s hot out, and summer’s just a week away, so you’re probably thinking about tidying up the ol’ landscape in preparation for the numerous the pool parties and BBQs to come. You hit up Craigslist and find the above beauty advertised for just $500 — a modest deal compared to the nearly $2,000 models Home Depot is peddling. Between the pics and the price, all seems well with this listing — promising even!

That is… until you read the text, a bizarre vomiting of words that only kinda/sorta makes sense, but is also just too over the top. Somewhat amusing in an extremely cheesy, “oh, Dad!” kind of way, yet at times sounds like it would be pretty offensive depending on the reader. A few paragraphs in and you’re left wondering: Just who is this ad for? What in the actual f*ck is going on here?

For sale: one early 80’s Craftsman riding lawn mower with an 11 horse power engine and 30″ mowing deck. Bottom line, this beast is a sick ride! In fact, I’d even say it’s the El Camino of yard whips. Just take a look at those sweet ass rims. So dope they look rented. #arethosedubs?

“Sick ride”? “Sweet ass rims”? ::Insert confused emoji::

Wait, is that a chicken in the background? Damn straight! Because the Craftsman riding lawn mower was considered the barnyard pimp of its day. Get yer yerrd on, fool!

“Barnyard pimp of its day.” “Get yer yerrd on, fool!” These lines are so atrocious, they’re almost good in an ironic way.

Is it fast? Ever heard of old school 3 on the tree? Well, this whip’s got 8 on the hip. That’s right, 8 screamin’ gears of merciless speed! Need to mow that $h!t Richard petty style? No problem. Snappin’ necks and mowin’ decks, homie…

Does it run, you ask? HELLS YEAH! Like a pack of Kenyans on crystal meth! This bad boy just got a carburetor rebuild, new seals all the way around and a brand new battery installed. Turns over quicker than your prom date. And you don’t even need to buy it wine coolers.

Oh, boy. Nevermind. This is just troubling.

No texts, please. I need to hear your voice and know that this family pet is going to a 100% full blooded american. #Merica

Well, that explains it.

Read the whole ad in all its disastrous glory below.

(Via Craigslist and The Daily Dot)