The race for the White House took another sharp turn Thursday, when candidate Deez Nuts (also known as 15-year-old Brady Olson) was unseated by a fresh new contender, Captain Crunch — not to be confused with Horatio Magellan Crunch, more commonly known as cereal mascot Cap’n Crunch. Currently, Candidate Crunch is leading in a new poll by Public Policy Polling with 17 percent, while Deez Nuts holds steady at nine percent.
Personally, I’m putting my tentative support behind another new candidate leading up from the rear, Butt Stuff, who is a long-shot with just three percent:
Finally we rounded up a bunch of the ‘joke candidates’ who have filed with the FEC to see who America’s favorite is from that crew. The winner is Captain Crunch with 17%, followed by Deez Nuts at 9%, Beast Mode at 5%, Queen Elsa Ice at 4%, Butt Stuff at 3%, Cranky Pants at 2%, and Limberbutt McCubbins and ‘Murican Cookies each at 1%.
Limberbutt McCubbins, as you may already be aware, is actually a cat, so I might be forced to change my stance depending whether or not McCubbins supports a national ban on scratching expensive furniture purchased before you decided to have cats.
Yes, yes. This may all be fun and games, but let’s not forget to remind ourselves that this is to distract ourselves from the fact that our actual candidates include a former reality television host and a guy who thinks a woman who directly violated a United States Supreme Court order doesn’t deserve to be in jail.