There’s nothing more horrifying than discovering your diary from when you were a kid and reading over all the embarrassing things you thought were deep when you were under 12 and trying to figure out how to sabotage your romantic rivals by telling everyone they still wore diapers. Most of us, fortunately, have blocked all those things out (when I found mine, I went across the street and started banging on doors until someone with a furnace would just let me use it to destroy all records of my former self), but there are some brave souls who not only read over their early opuses but actually post them for public consumption. Like Madie Cardon, a 16-year-old who just put all her childhood friends on blast after putting excerpts from her journal on Twitter.
While we could spend a lot of time explaining exactly what goes on in the entries, all of us know that the mind of a 7-year-old defies description. It’s safe to say, though, that you wouldn’t want Madie to be your opponent. Considering how formidable she was at 7, she’s likely grown even more diabolical since.
Check out this first entry, which details exactly how Madie felt when Riley (the object of her affection) chose to chase other girls on the playground:
Oh my god, Jessica! You can’t just hug “at least five boys” a day at school! How can you live with yourself? How do you sleep at night? Why are you chasing after a 7-year-old who’s already pledged his “like” to another 7-year-old that isn’t you? Look how angry those dots and periods are! We don’t know about you, but we’d certainly be terrified to try to steal Madie’s second-grade boyfriend if she had so much dirt on us.
You must admit that “I will tell Riley her secret. She wears pull ups!” is a better sentence than most we’ve seen in this generation’s crop of twisty-turny teen fiction. And there are twists here. Check out this next entry, which makes it clear that Madie and Riley are on the rocks and she has no idea. God, she must have been “cring” forever.
You gotta feel for Madie here, if only because she will soon learn that spelling the word anonymous correctly will forever be more important than her relationship with Riley. Especially after what happens next. You guys, Jessica’s pull ups may not have been a big enough deterrent as Madie had thought:
Sorry, girl. We can only imagine what the conversation between Madie and Riley was like when he finally told her that he was with Jessica now.
“But she wears pull ups!” Madie screams as Riley tells her that they’re over.
“Well,” he replies, “I’m kinda cool with that because I wear them, too. We just have a lot more in common.”
Oh no! Now we’re writing fan fiction about this diary. You gotta admit, though, as far as the musings of a 7-year-old go, these entries are top-notch and should absolutely be made into a movie.
Also: Can someone check on Riley and Jessica? Cardon told Buzzfeed she moved away and hasn’t spoken to them since, but they’re sure to feel some type of way about having their secrets — especially Jessica, sorry about the bed-wetting, girl — blasted all over cyberspace.