Esquire Scribe Wishes Women He Sleeps With Would Show More Enthusiasm

That thing where you follow someone you admire and respect on Twitter and then the persona they present on Twitter causes you to lose some of your admiration and respect for them. Yeah.

I’m sure many of you reading this have experienced it. If forced to name one person who’s been diminished in my eyes by this newish thing it’d have to be Esquire writer Chris Jones. I’ve read him for a long time and admired his work (this 2008 piece on a fallen soldier and his profile of Roger Ebert are two of my favorite pieces of modern magazine writing), so when he joined Twitter — I guess it was a year and half ago — it was an instafollow situation for me.

But then he started using it to engage in dumb “literary” feuds and to constantly romanticize what magazine writers do — in the process getting some subtle digs in at newspapers and the internet — to the point of making me want to vomit, not to mention using it to whine about not getting nominated for a magazine writing award last year. In short, the Chris Jones I became acquainted with via Twitter struck me as pompous and full of himself, though no where near the level of Darren Rovell. But I still follow him, for some reason, though it’s crossed my mind to unfollow him so as to not tarnish the man anymore in my head, which I’m afraid might tarnish his good work for me in some way in the process. I suppose I just can’t bring myself to look away.

Anyway, lately Jones has been tweeting of late about how amazing his wife is, particularly her ass, and now I think I may know why: Esquire published a piece today in which Jones essentially whines about never really getting his brains f*cked out consistently at any point in his life.

Allow me to dissect this in KSK “Fun with Peter King” style, which is of course borrowed from the style of Fire Joe Morgan, the now-dead sports blog that was headed up by Parks & Rec creator Michael Schur.

On the spectrum of male lovers, I believe I would fall somewhere between “not totally unpleasant, but not totally pleasant, either” and “adequate.”

No, you’re at least below average. Everyone imagines themselves being better in bed than they actually are. So if you’re saying you’re average in the sack, and I believe you are, you’re actually below average.

And yet I can still say with confidence that there are women who are worse in the sack than me. I’ve slept with you: unenthusiastic, uncomfortable, and uncommunicative, the human equivalent of the space between the couch cushions, only without the bonus possibility of my finding loose change in there.

I’ve found over the course of my life that one human’s response to receiving sex is in direct proportion to the quality of the sex they’re receiving from their partner. You do the math.

The trouble is, most women act as though they’re sexual Olympians, as though they’re doing the men in their lives the greatest of favors merely by presenting themselves like a downed deer strapped to the hood of a car.

Have you ever tried maybe ripping a girl’s panties off and burying your face in her a$s with your tongue rammed deep into her butthole? Because if you had I can almost guarantee she wouldn’t just lay there like dead wildlife at any point in the sexing.

Some of you are deluding yourselves. Sex is not like pizza. Only blowjobs are.

No, I’ve eaten a lot of pizza in my life and I’ve had a lot of blowjobs, and under no circumstance does pizza = blowjobs. Actually, I take that back — maybe after you’ve been married for a while a really good pizza would be on par with a blowjob. Only then are they ever even close to being equal. (Or maybe I haven’t had enough blowjobs to reach the point where I consider them on par with food items that can be obtained easily and cheaply?)

Also: If your man goes down on you, the terror clamp is an inappropriate physical response.

If a girl goes into a “terror clamp” when you eat her pu$$y, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

I knew one poor girl who wouldn’t have sex from behind because she thought that meant anal.

Are you picking up girls at a special ed facility or something? Also, are they above the age of 12?

It’s nice, too, when you don’t treat our semen like it’s battery acid.

FACT: When you eat crap, your cum smells and tastes like crap. (Jones tweets frequently about his love for fast food and chain restaurants.) Conversely, eating a diet filled with fruits and vegetables will often result in a man producing jizz that women are eager to taste/swallow. Just ask any lady pornstar.

The bottom line is that if your sex life is bad, you bear at least some of the blame.

WELL YOU DON’T SAY?!?!?! Memo to Chris Jones: Perhaps the sh*tty sex is coming from inside the house? Or something.

Meanwhile, Jones has some words for all the haters on the internet…

Sounds like somebody needs to get laid.