The Five Most Important Things About The Federal Employee With ‘Uncontrollable Flatulence’ Story

While many of us were taking a break from the world wide web, the shades-of-Jerry-Gergich story of a federal employee being formally reprimanded for his soul-crushing cubicle gas was taking over the internet: Per The Smoking Gun:

In a December 10 letter accusing him of “conduct unbecoming a federal officer,” the Social Security Administration employee was informed that his “uncontrollable flatulence” had created an “intolerable” and “hostile” environment for coworkers, several of whom have lodged complaints with supervisors.

It’s actually a pretty long and detailed account, complete with a five page document as SSA management has been tracking the situation very closely since May. I wouldn’t be doing you guys any sort of service if I didn’t outline the parts you really should know (for New Year’s Eve party conversation and whatnot) and may have missed over the last few days, so let’s get right to it…

1) Management Had To Research “Uncontrollable Flatulence.” And whether the employee’s “medical conditions” could cause it. Conclusion: “nothing that you have submitted has indicated that you would have uncontrollable flatulence. It is my belief that you can control this condition.” Dagger.

2) There’s a Photo with Pepe Le Pew

That’s right. The only blurry-faced image floating around of the anonymous employee is (supposedly) this one from a theme park where he and his wife posed with Pepe Lew Pew. It is unclear whether they took the photo ironically. Also unclear: who is who.

3) A Fan Would Probably Make It Worse. Probably my favorite part of the writeup:

On July 17, a second SSA manager spoke with the man “in regards of your releasing of bodily gas in the module during work hours.” The manager asked the employee if he could “make it to the restroom before releasing the awful and unpleasant odor.” She also recounted what appeared to be a prior conversation during which the worker suggested that he would “turn your fan on when it happens.” The manager recalled advising him that, “turning on the fan would cause the smell to spread and worsen the air quality in the module.”

4) There Was a Gas-X Promise.

On August 14, a third administrator–a SSA “Deputy Division Director”–spoke with the worker about his “continuous releasing of your bodily gas and the terrible smell that comes with the gas.” The manager noted that the worker had said he was lactose intolerant and planned to purchase Gas-X, an over-the-counter remedy.

The Gas-X was either never used or did not work. That is unclear, as is whether or not lactose intolerance really is to blame. What is clear though is that things got so bad the office began to chart individual attacks…

5) Management Charted Individual Attacks. I screen-grabbed this from the full document because I love everything about it so much. Note the lack of mercy on September 11th.

The employee is apparently still working and fighting the reprimand via the American Federation of Government Employees (the union that represents the SSA worker). And people think our government isn’t capable of getting things done. There’s a five page document and ongoing legal battle people!

And finally, Tom Haverford and I agree on one key component:

A government official acknowledging “fart attack” is really all we’re missing at this point.

The Smoking Gun via Gawker. GIF via.