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A Florida Sheriff Would Like Killers To Please ‘Chill Out’ And ‘Quit Murdering’ And ‘Drink A 7UP, Eat A MoonPie’ Instead

A pandemic, a disparate wealth gap, and widening political divides are stressing everyone out right now, which might be why murder rates are up in Polk County, Florida. The good news? The sheriff there has an easy fix: eat more Moonpies.

Sheriff Grady Judd gave a press conference on Tuesday to address the rising number of homicides in his county. Despite the overall crime rate staying low, the area has had a record number of murders for the first half of 2021 with the local news reporting that 34 people have been killed from homicidal deaths, first and second-degree murders, and officer-involved shootings so far. Obviously, that’s very disturbing news for residents, so Juddy offered some sage advice for the people doing most of the murdering these days: chill the f*ck out.

“What’s that all about? Just calm down. Quit murdering your friends and your family,” Judd said in a statement. “I know that’s a novel idea for some people.”

And look, Judd understands that resisting those homicidal impulses can be tough, so once again, the sheriff is coming in clutch with some tricks for not killing people.

“Just chill out, drink a 7up, eat a MoonPie, quit murdering people,” he said.

No, the drink choice is questionable because honestly, we can’t remember the last time we walked into a gas station and saw 7up just chilling on the shelves, but few can argue with the snack option. Moonpies are, in fact, delicious and apparently, they have the power to curb bloodlust. We wonder why the company doesn’t put that in their marketing materials?

In all seriousness though, this 10-second clip is funnier than anything Dave Chappelle has put out in the last decade. Watch the full video below:

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