Augustus Sol Invictus Is The Goat Blood Drinking Senate Candidate That Florida Deserves

Florida, right? If the Sunshine State has given us anything in this wonderful Internet Era, it’s enough amazingly ridiculous headlines to make us laugh until every pair of jorts we own is drenched in pee. And don’t even get us started on Florida politics, because everything from “Hanging Chads” to Rick Scott’s Voldemort resemblance has made this state the butt of too many late night talk show jokes. But all of the meth-fueled, face-eating headlines have just been an appetizer for the ultimate Florida politics news story: U.S. Senate candidate Augustus Sol Invictus, who, according to the AP, “wants to lead a civil war, is trying to recruit neo-Nazis to the party and brutally and sadistically dismembered a goat.” Oh, and he drank the goat’s blood, too, but since this is a Florida story that part is basically implied.

Adrian Wyllie, the chairman of the Libertarian Party of Florida who failed in his own run for the governor’s office, desperately wants people to know that Candidate Invictus’ views are not indicative of the party’s goals. For example, the 32-year-old Invictus wants to start another Civil War. Florida’s Libertarian party does not. Invictus also wants to “recruit neo-Nazis to the party,” while Wyllie would prefer they stay far away. You know, for image purposes.

However, Invictus argues that the party chair is simply running a “smear campaign,” because the fact that white supremacists support him doesn’t make him a white supremacist. Frankly, you’re kind of a jerk if you assumed that. And that whole drinking a goat’s blood thing?

“I did sacrifice a goat. I know that’s probably a quibble in the mind of most Americans,” he said. “I sacrificed an animal to the god of the wilderness … Yes, I drank the goat’s blood.”

See? Honesty. Let he among you in the U.S. Senate who hasn’t sacrificed an animal to the god of the wilderness cast the first stone. As for Invictus’ chances of actually being elected, he knows that he’s a long shot so he’s simply trying to start a conversation. Of course, that conversation begins with “Florida Man Who Drank A Goat’s Blood…” but even Lincoln had to start somewhere.

For more on Florida’s hottest new politician, anchors Tom Storey and Briana Lane weigh in on today’s episode of The Desk.