In a story that is peak 2019, richest person in the world and Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos claimed on Thursday that the National Enquirer’s parent company, American Media Inc. (AMI), had threatened to release his private texts and photos, including a “d-ck pic,” if he continued investigating how the tabloid had obtained private messages he sent to his mistress, Lauren Sanchez. Shortly after Bezos published the alleged threatening emails from AMI’s CEO, David Pecker, others came forward to say they had also been threatened, including Ronan Farrow and Terry Crews.
The Associated Press reports federal prosecutors in New York are now investigating if those emails violated AMI’s cooperation agreement with the government which granted them immunity for alleged campaign finance violations committed in support of Donald Trump’s 2016 presidential run. The immunity deal requires AMI to commit no crimes for three years. But it appears they couldn’t go three years without living that thug life, and people are making jokes:
"My client, the world's richest man and owner of the Washington Post, asks if you would be so good as to put your blackmail demands in writing."
"Sure! But don't share this with the US Attorney office, because that might contravene our immunity deal with them."
"You don't say."
— David Frum (@davidfrum) February 8, 2019
Other people were disappointed it was only a picture:
jeff bezos outhere sending dick pics. if i'm worth 137 billion u getting a dick hologram
— Desus MF Nice💯 (@desusnice) February 8, 2019
Some made cogent arguments against looking at the picture if it’s ever released:
I’m not going to look at the Jeff Bezos dick pick because I don’t want to see what Amazon is going to recommend based on my viewing of it.
— Frank Conniff (@FrankConniff) February 8, 2019
I don't want to see a picture of Jeff Bezos's dick, thank you very much. I'm perfectly happy with dick pics from my local independent bookseller.
— Damien Owens (@OwensDamien) February 8, 2019
And people also pointed out the absurdity of trying to threaten the richest human being on Earth:
the real fuck-you move would have been to publish the dick pics himself imo
— Ashley Feinberg (ashleyfeinberg.bsky.social) (@ashleyfeinberg) February 7, 2019
"Do what we say or we publish your dick pics! And you'll suffer the consequences!"
"I'm a billionaire in America. There are no consequences for me."
"… um"
"Look, I made it mandatory to look at my dick before you can use Amazon Prime. 98% of user clicked through."
"… shit."— John Rogers (@jonrog1) February 7, 2019
https://twitter.com/AmandaMarcotte/status/1093690577437233152
Wistfulness was expressed about the old ways of dealing with blackmailers:
Jeff Bezos' Medium post was fine but I miss the old days when you would confront your blackmailer at a spooky mansion dinner thrown by a mysterious butler.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) February 7, 2019
And a story about Amazon wouldn’t be complete without references to warehouse working conditions:
Bezos is the only Amazon employee who is allowed to go to the bathroom long enough to take a dick pic
— District Sentinel (@TheDCSentinel) February 8, 2019
I bet Bezos photographed his dick next to one of his employees' paychecks so it looked bigger
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) February 8, 2019
Nor would any unusual news story be complete without a dril tweet that presaged it:
how pic.twitter.com/5KWZblu9Lb
— who the fuck is scraeming "LOG OFF" at my house. (@herkzzz) February 7, 2019
People also speculated about the appearance of the purported nude selfie. Even SNL saw fit to throw out some colorful descriptions of the alleged nude pictures in their cold open.
Wow. This Jeff Bezos "dick pic" is much more graphic than I expected pic.twitter.com/RayqdcbrNN
— Jimmy Kimmel (@jimmykimmel) February 8, 2019
People tied it back to another current event:
If you DIDN'T suspect that "blackface pics of politicians" would be upstaged by "dick pics of billionaires" by the end of this week I don't know what to tell you
— andi zeisler (@andizeisler) February 8, 2019
https://twitter.com/BillCorbett/status/1093658328457203717
The jokes continued, with some Twitter users unable to comprehend this moment in history:
https://twitter.com/jelani9/status/1093888305232576512
man that Bezos letter really goes some places pic.twitter.com/ZPWIagA9lO
— Alex Navarro (@alex_navarro) February 7, 2019
https://twitter.com/Bibliogato/status/1093658997087977477
My Hardball appearance was bumped due to the breaking story that the National Enquirer has dick pics of the founder of Amazon dot com
is a sentence I never thought I’d be uttering as a historian.
— Kevin M. Kruse (@KevinMKruse) February 8, 2019
Speculation was made:
As Bezos himself notes, he can afford to stand up to the extortion tactics of Trump's favorite paper. Now think about all the people who couldn't. And what they may be doing now. https://t.co/xXUAF8SkHH
— Sarah Kendzior (@sarahkendzior) February 7, 2019
The email from AMI to Bezos is dated days ago, but he and his soon-to-be-ex wife announced plans to divorce last month.
AMI lacked leverage but nonetheless seemed confident they could blackmail him — the wealthiest person in history.
Why?
They must have succeeded with others.
— Leah McElrath (@leahmcelrath) February 8, 2019
How many people are sweating tonight that Bezos just buys American Media and opens the vault?
— Schooley (@Rschooley) February 8, 2019
Meanwhile in Cincinatti, the news outlet @Enquirer — not to be confused with the National Enquirer — is begging for the direct messages to stop:
.@JeffBezos make it stop pls.
— Enquirer (@Enquirer) February 8, 2019
(Via The Associated Press)