5 Problems The ‘God Of War’ Movie Will Face

So, Sony seems like they’re really serious this time. They’re really going to make God of War into a movie.

Yeah, I can foresee a couple of problems with that. Even if they did hire a screenwriter who thinks he’s making the next Batman trilogy.

#5) There’s Really No Plot To The Games

This is every God of War game: Kratos is pissed off at a God, or a Fury, or something. He needs some object to defeat them, because Kratos solves his problems with murder. This object is hidden in a temple full of overly elaborate traps and locks that he travels to. Also he kills his way out of Hades at some point.

Patrick Melton, the poor bastard stuck writing this movie, has argued that Kratos’ origin story will be the first act… and is notably silent on what will happen next.

#4) Most of the Plot Points Involve Horrible Ways to Die Or Worse

When Kratos rips a god’s head off and pokes the back of it with his finger to make him scream/use him as a lantern, I laugh because despite the “realism” of the graphics, it’s ridiculous. On film, live-action, it’d probably be awful. Similarly, most of the game involves Kratos going somewhere and killing something in some absolutely grisly way, usually for the crime of being between Kratos and what he wants. That makes for fun video games, not compelling cinema.

#3) The Antagonists All Have Weak Motives or No Motive Whatsoever

OK, that’s unfair. The ultimate end boss in Chains of Olympus had a reasonable motive and was fairly sympathetic. Hades also has one of the best speeches in the entire franchise. He’s not a nice man but if anybody’s got reason to want Kratos dead, it’s Hades.

Everybody else, though, can be summed up with “because he’s a prick.” And that’s a bit… tricky, to write around.

#2) Kratos Is One Of The Worst Characters In Video Games in Just About Every Respect

Kratos is basically what happens when somebody reads a Lobo comic and completely misses the joke. At his best, he’s a bloodthirsty arrogant prick with no indoor voice. At his worst, he’s a homicidal maniac with absolutely zero regard for the health and safety of literally anybody else, including his own friends, allies, and countrymen.

God Of War III tried to pull some sort of ridiculous line of crap about how Kratos deep down felt bad for being a one-man threshing machine, and he never seems to enjoy hurting people, but the simple fact of the matter is that the only thing that’s changed by the series finale is that he’s maybe slightly less arrogant. That’s it. In five games.

Which leads us to the number one problem here…

Everything That Happens In The Entire Franchise Is Essentially Kratos’ Fault

Seriously. Kratos is a complete idiot unable or unwilling to see the blatantly obvious consequences of his actions. The entire franchise starts because he doesn’t want to die and cuts a deal with Ares. Then, when Ares tricks him into killing his family, does he try and break the bond and swear off killing people, which is what got him into this mess in the first place? No, he kills even more people, ultimately killing Ares.

Then, in the second game, he goes around picking fights with the gods until Zeus does what’s quite frankly the reasonable thing and kills him before he rips apart all of Greece. Kratos escapes Hell and could end it there. Instead he goes to pick another fight with Zeus, because the first one went oh so well. You’d think around the time he’d managed to bump off his only remaining friend he might think “Gee, maybe stabbing shouldn’t be my sole method of problem-solving!” But no, here he is again, with the stabbing, and, by the third game, apocalypse causing. He manages to snuff out the sun, flood the Earth, kill all plant life, and unleash a plague. In exchange the human race gets hope.

Thanks, you unbelieveable dick.

When he’s not actively making things worse, he’s blundering into obvious traps and killing people who either meant well or were completely innocent because they were in his way. The ironic thing is that this actually makes Kratos a tragic hero by the rules of Greek drama; his actions trigger his own downfall. Greeks would think this was an awesome play.

None of this detracts from the games. But a movie? Ehhhh. Maybe consider a spunky teenage sidekick. At least we’d cheer when he stabs the brat.