If You Have $1 Million To Spare, Then This Gold-Plated Vacuum (With Its Own Theme Song) Is Perfect For You

GoVacuum.com, your go-to website for all things vacuums, mainly due to a lack of competition, is selling, well, a vacuum for the everyman and/or -woman. This is assuming the everyman and/or -woman can afford to spend $1 million on a device plated in gold that literally does nothing but suck up garbage.

The “GoVacuum GV62711 24k Gold Plated Vacuum Cleaner” is meant for the “discerning person who has a yacht in the ocean and a rare exotic car in your garage alongside your private jet.” In other words, rich jerks. But I must admit I lied: the vacuum only goes for $999,999.00 because although it’s not worth its weight in gold, the “status and exclusivity of owning a vacuum like this can’t be measured in dollar and cents,” which isn’t so much a deal as a sick joke. I haven’t gotten to the best part, though: the vacuum has its own rap, with such sick rhymes as, “Gold vacuum, one million dolla/it’s gonna make you holla.” My new goal in life is to hear someone, somewhere, someday say, “Yo, when’s the next GoVacuum.com jam gonna drop?” Not soon enough.