Science Has Discovered Why Hipsters Grow Beards


While other scientists work on that annoying cancer problem, some scientists are answering the hard questions. Like, for example, why do those silly hipsters grow those beards? It turns out, they think it’s to put the fear of God into other men and draw the attention of women.

Dr. Cyril Grueter, who amazingly does not have a beard according to Google Images, based his study on the behavior of groups of primates. According to Grueter, the more crowded and elaborate a primate society becomes, the more male members grow “badges” to assert their individuality and masculinity. The belief is that since modern single men not only have to compete with the guys at the bar for mating opportunities, but also on Tinder, growing elaborate beards is a way to stand out.

As the Telegraph notes, there’s also historical data to back this up. For example, in Britain during the 1800s, there was a limited pool of single women, and they liked beards. So the men started growing elaborate facial hair. In other words, the hipster beard has been with us for a long time and for obvious reasons.

That said, these things go in cycles, like all fashions; soon enough, the ladies will prefer a clean-shaven man. Or, you know, these guys will all get married and stop trying. Amirite, ladies?