Homerism Regional 2nd Round: No. 2 Bear vs. No. 3 Falcon. A SIDE-TO-SIDE COMPARISON OF SEMI-PERTINENT FACTS FROM WHICH YOU WILL DRAW A CONCLUSION

03.24.08 10 years ago 21 Comments

The second round gets underway with the pairing of the burly, savage bear and the speedy, diminutive falcon. Each has cut its teeth (or beak) in the arena of death, but only one can advance while the other is ground into hot dogs in time for Opening Day. A quick review follows.


Bear

Pro:
-Host of Gentle Ben!
-Climbs trees!
-Noted for prowess in America threatening
-Likeness featured on California flag
-Godless!
-Killing!
-Machine!

Con:
-Possibly hibernating
-Average bear not that smart. Sorry Yogi.
-Inability to kill Christopher Robin
-Polar version shills for Coke

Falcon
Pro:
-Can fly!
-Talons even sharper than Jew claw!
-Benefit of being a raptor without having to wear purple and live in Toronto
Peregrine Falcon is fastest moving creature on Earth
-This:

Con:
-Diet typically consist of other birds, usually ones old people are feeding
-New kicker Jason Elam has them concentrating on killing religious radicals
-Just a fucking bird

Voting is closed on this contest. The Bear won with 79 percent of the vote.

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