I’m Old And Unhappy!

11.07.07 11 years ago 44 Comments

Those darn Patriots deserve an asterisk!… This shredded wheat isn’t soggy enough yet!… Oh no, the tremors are back!… Why do all these kids today have walkie-talkies?… If my skin is brittle, it must be Tuesday… I wish they’d stop serving shrimp cocktail at my restaurant. We don’t know enough about the mysteries of the sea yet!… Where did I leave my shoes?… How come my grandchildren drink so much water? Kids today get far too much water!… When did colored folks get to ride in the front of the bus?… Why am I the only person in my neighborhood who still uses Ivory Soap Flakes?… Why can’t anyone remind me to buy a rubber mattress pad?!… They’re out of key lime pie at Publix!… No one appreciates the beauty of a well-played cribbage match nowadays!

These Cubans listen to too much joyful music!… Did I change my shirt this week?… Why doesn’t anyone use fingerbowls anymore?!… I don’t care for television nowadays. That Dan Fielding on “Night Court” is far too lascivious for my taste!… Why do college kids need to study the history of the Chinaman?… Why isn’t the T formation used more?… How do I program this darn VCR?!… Why can’t I find a decent sleeping cap at Nordstrom’s?!… The moon is God’s eye watching me at night!… Peter King is hilarious and insightful!… Sunscreen is a hoax!… I’m not paying for any two-ply toilet tissue! That’s overindulgent!… Why don’t they make men like Teddy Roosevelt anymore?!

I don’t trust those Russkies!

Everything in my house smells like old cornbread!… Kids today marry far too often for love!… Kids today can’t coach! I know because I have two of them!… I don’t trust computers ever since I saw that movie “Electric Dreams”. It could fall in love with my Mrs.!… We’re out of Crème de Menthe, Delores!… Why is everything drooping?… Real men smoke!… Mattresses are for coddlers!… There’s a very elaborate puppet show going on in this black box marked Sony in my room!… Homosexuals are walking about freely now!… Fantasy football? That’s for slow kids and invalids!… How come no one likes horse racing anymore?… One day, the Philippines will be ours again!… It’s not a fridge. It’s an icebox, god dammit!… This butter comes in sticks!… Who’s this Spielberg character?…

It too bright in here!!!!!!

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