Introducing The Autoblow 2: The Machine That Will **** Your ****

Everyone, I’d like to tell you about the Autoblow 2; the second generation of a thing that absolutely no one knew existed. I remember when the Autoblow 2 entered my life. It was a few hours ago, when I was looking for something to write about. Never has there been such a magical time. For those of you who can’t interpret asterisks or figure out what kind of function a machine called the Autoblow 2 might have, I will elaborate. It’s a… thing that a man can put on his… thing, and then it does stuff until the… thing happens. It’s pretty obvious that my parents never gave me The Talk, isn’t it? They gave me a book instead.

At it’s core, the Autoblow 2 is a product for guys who think that Fleshlights are great, but they’re too much work. You know, I don’t want to ruin it for you. I think that you owe it to yourself to watch this video and learn all about it on your own. Oh hey, the video is kinda sorta pretty much NSFW, for language and a trio of rubber dongs. It’s exactly as classy as it sounds. I’ll meet you on the other side when you’re done.

Some quick observations:

  • I feel like they should have called it The Jerk, so that it could accurately describe the product and the spokesman.
  • “It won’t electrocute your d*ck” is a great slogan; I’m surprised that no other products have used it. “Greek yogurt: It won’t electrocute your d*ck.”
  • I don’t know if it would possible to avoid thinking of that guy while using the Autoblow 2, which would probably make it difficult to enjoy.
  • “If you end up stroking it for 1000 hours, find a new hobby.” Don’t get judgmental, man. You’re the one who invented an electric BJ machine.

I would have loved to use this opportunity to explore the societal expectations and gender roles when it comes to the purchase and usage of sex toys, but it looks like I used up all of my space making d*ck jokes. Ain’t that the story of my life.

Via Topless Robot