Despite being a good way to bring in some extra cash around the holidays, being a Mall Santa doesn’t seem like the easiest job. First of all, there is about zero chance you make it through the holiday season without picking up like 5,000 strains of the common cold because, as everyone knows, children are tiny disease factories. Add to the fact that much like a box of chocolates, with a kid, you never know what you’re gonna get. Is this next one going to be a model of child behavior (I hope so), or have a terrifying nuclear meltdown? (Probably.)
As such, this latest Ask Reddit thread poses the question to all those Mall Santas out there in the trenches: “What’s the most memorable thing a child has told you they wanted for Christmas?” Answers range from funny to kind of sad to super depressing, and we’ll start off with this obligatory urination story, compliments of user Mr_Shy:
Oh definitely the kid who wanted to pee.
Same old introduction as always, asking what she wants for Christmas.
“I wanna pee!”
Trying to change the topic to help the kid choose, get the picture taken, and move on.
“I wanna pee!”
The parents insist that the kid choose something and I sit there awkwardly with this little girl wriggling all over me. She’s crying and they’re insisting and then my lap gets warm.
Well just because, obviously. This next one comes from NotStormTroopers, who describes a future /r/panties lurker. (Not linking that. Sorry, guys.)
The most memorable for me was definitely the young boy, probably eight, who said he wanted the panties of the cute girl next door. I didn’t really know how to respond to it, or what he meant by that, so I just asked him what else he wanted.
I’ve had kids ask for guns so they can fight terrorists followed immediately by kids who ask for something noble like world peace (I guess parents give kids different ideas for gifts).
There was a kid who started crying on my lap without asking for anything. Oh wait that happens all the time.
But yeah the panties thing is definitely the most memorable.
This one time while working at the mall the grown man comes up to me, totally ignoring the line and sits on my lap. Astonished I ask him what he wanted for Christmas to save face. This guy looks me straight in the eye and asks me if I fucked his mom! I looked at him dazed. He keeps asking me over and over if I fucked his mom and then flips his shit. He bites my neck and draws blood, flailing his arms as he assaults me until his friend picked him off me. Worst day of my mall Santa career.
Benyellow shares a heartwarming story about how he probably made some special little girl’s Christmas that much happier.
The weirdest one for me was when a little girl came onto my lap and told me the stories of her life. She was probably like 6, but she was telling me adventures about fighting battles to save a prince stuck in a castle guarded by a dragon, and lightsaber duels as a jedi. The kid seemed sharp and she seemed like she loved getting into action. She told me about her race with Usain Bolt and how he beat her by a hair, and how she outswam Michael Phelps to avoid being eaten by Jaws. She told me that she needed stronger bones to be the best athlete she could be. She told me she wanted a big glace of milk with lots of calcium for strong bones. Once I said she could have that, she said “thank mr skeltal doot doot” and got off my lap and gave me a big hug.
Her parents were watching the whole time, and when she gave me a hug, they seemed so happy.
This Redditor has a secondhand account through a relative who works as a Mall Santa, and, honestly, this sounds worse than being peed on.
My uncle works as a mall santa during the holidays.
He says the saddest part is the amount of kids who ask for their deceased parent/family member to come home for Christmas. It’s not a huge amount of kids, but common enough for him to mention when people ask him about it.
He responds with “Well, they love you very much. And they’re always with you and happy to see you.” Or something like that. He says that seems to work pretty well and he doesn’t really know what else to say.
Continuing on that theme, Amazon_ally likewise has a sad story:
Obligatory not a mall Santa but…
Overheard a small boy telling a Santa he wanted his mommy back from Afghanistan. That was really sad, as the kid was on the verge of tears when he asked.
Most of us in line were trying not to tear up too after he asked. Too many feels.
And I can’t tell if this one from Autumnx is sad or adorable. (Sadorable?)
I was a mall elf. Not Santa or Mrs. Claus (though I really wanted to be Mrs. Claus). One kid asked if he could have a stuffed animal that looked like his dog who just passed away. I thought it was cute because he didn’t ask for another dog. He just wanted a memory of the dog he lost.
We’ll finish out with one from another jokester, Afkargh.
He wouldn’t talk, so I suggested a nice football. On is way out, he asked for a Red Ryder BB Gun. Being the role model, I reminded him that he would most likely sustain an optical injury.