As you may recall, last year Bilbo and friends sold out in truly spectacular fashion, allowing the dark wizards of salt and saturated fat at Denny’s to attach their names to vaguely vulgar sounding dishes like “Radagast’s Red Velvet Pancake Puppies” and “Gandalf’s Gobble Melt”. Considering the scorn heaped upon the first Hobbit menu, you’d think Bilbo would be reluctant to throw-in with Denny’s again, but then again, this is a guy willing to wake a dragon to line his pockets. Bilbo is a greedy motherf–ker — don’t ever let him tell you different.
And so, in the spirit of greedy motherf–kery, the second Denny’s Hobbit menu!
Yum yum! I think we need to examine some of these food-like items in greater detail!
Bilbo’s Hobbit Hole Breakfast
Yes, that’s a pile of bacon sitting beside a mound of deep-fried hash browns that are also coated in bacon and melted cheese beside a bun covered in cheese. Oh, and the bun also has an egg cooked into the middle. I’m not sure if the pancakes have any cheese and/or bacon in them — I’m guessing yes. Keep near a toilet for the rest of the day for when this monstrosity comes rushing out your hobbit hole.
Nutritional highlights – 910 calories and 1800mg of sodium (you’re supposed to have 1500mg a day max).
Bilbo’s Breakfast Feast
Well, Hobbits do like a second breakfast, so Bilbo gets another, even more ridiculous breakfast option. Is your mouth watering at that giant turd-like sausage and what appears to be a slice of toast carefully drizzled in mucus? If so, what’s wrong with you?
Nutritional highlights – 1530 calories, 2390mg of sodium and almost 100 grams of fat. Jesus Christ.
Smaug’s Fire Burger
This burger’s covered in jalapenos and “X-sauce”, you know, for the masochists who really want their diarrhea to burn LIKE THE FIRES OF MOUNT DOOM on the way out. Man, Denny’s diarrhea jokes just write themselves.
Nutritional highlights – A heart-bursting 26 grams of saturated fat.
Bard’s Pumpkin Pie Milkshake
The Hobbit’s human characters are all super-forgettable, so I dunno — was Bard totally into pumpkin pie milkshakes? Probably not since he wasn’t depicted as being bedridden due to morbid obesity, but who knows?
Nutritional Highlights – 1080 calories and 26 grams of saturated fat. For the record, somehow this milkshake has more calories and saturated fat than the bacon, cheese, bacon, cheese, more cheese, eggs and fried potatoes Hobbit Hole breakfast.
Radagast’s Red Velvet Pancake Puppies
Ah, a returning “favorite”…
Nutritional highlights – 470 calories and 8 grams of fat. In other words, these deep-fried breakfast cake balls are by far the healthiest things on Denny’s Hobbit menu.
There’s more, but I’m starting to feel fat just looking at this stuff. The latest Hobbit menu will only be available for a limited time, so start gathering your Denny’s party now stoners.