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The Seven New Earth-Like Planets Discovered By NASA, Ranked

Big news, folks. NASA has discovered seven new Earth-like planets orbiting a star outside our solar system. A new record! And according to the scientists who released the report, three of them are even located in what they refer to as “the inhabitable zone.” New planets, here we come! Maybe. Probably not. But maybe!

Sayeth NASA:

Based on their densities, all of the TRAPPIST-1 planets are likely to be rocky. Further observations will not only help determine whether they are rich in water, but also possibly reveal whether any could have liquid water on their surfaces. The mass of the seventh and farthest exoplanet has not yet been estimated – scientists believe it could be an icy, “snowball-like” world, but further observations are needed.

Hmm. It appears we know two things so far:

  • Someone at NASA is great at naming things, because the tweet announcing this said the planets were spotted “around a nearby, ultra-cool dwarf star called TRAPPIST-1,” which makes the star sound like a small EDM DJ.
  • We don’t know much else.

So until we do actually learn more useful information, let’s take this opportunity to do the only rational thing we can possibly do in this situation. Let’s rank some planets.

7. B

Look at this fake-ass giant Mercury, sucking up to its fake sun, snuggling in there like “Oh hey, boss, what’s up? Looking great today, as always. Just wanted to see if you needed anything. Coffee, snack, hot towel. I have some Sun Chips in my desk if you want those. No really, I don’t mind. Wait, did you get a haircut? Either way, very sharp. Stylish, even. Kind of like Jon Hamm from Mad Men. Did you ever watch that show? I loved i-… What? You didn’t? Yeah, uh, me neither. You and me, man. Simpatico every time. Anyway, back to the ol’ grind. Lemme know if you want those Sun Chips. Just wave. I’ll bring them over.”

Ugh. Have some self-respect, B.

6. H

NEPTUNE: [nudges Pluto] Hey, buddy. You see this? Huh? You see H over there? You should go talk to it.

PLUTO: Why?

NEPTUNE: I dunno. It’s kinda cute. Who knows, maybe you two iceballs could hit it off.

PLUTO: I doubt it.

NEPTUNE: Aw, come on, buddy. Don’t get down on yourself because of that whole “not a planet” thing. You still have plenty to offer. H would be lucky to find someone as nice as you.

PLUTO: Oh, no. It’s not that. It’s just…

NEPTUNE: Don’t be shy, pal. You can tell me.

PLUTO: I kinda have a crush on Jupiter.

NEPTUNE: Whoa.

5. C
C seems like the kind of planet that would let you borrow its car in a pinch, but then use that over and over again to extract future favors out of you, until it leaves the whole equation wildly unbalanced. Like I bet it’s all “Hey, my sister’s moving tomorrow, you think you can help?,” and when you try to protest because you already got it a $50 gift certificate to Cosi, it’s like “Ah, come on, man. I was there for you when you needed help.” I mean, it was nice to lend you the car, but come on, C. Let it go.

4. E

E looks like F’s little nephew. I’m picturing a Scrappy Doo situation, where E always runs in ready to fight and then F — who is very nice and would rather not get involved — has to step in and try to calm everyone down. Settle down, E. Everyone likes you fine. There’s nothing to prove.

3. G

G is definitely stoned. Look at it. Green gas and smoke all around. But it’s like one of those old, chill stoners who looks like Sam Elliott and has lots of opinions about the Allman Brothers. Only smokes joints and eats an occasional brownie, but that’s it. Met Willie Nelson once, in the early days, when Willie was dangerous. Good neighbor, though.

2. D

What I like about D is that it appears to be half lush, tropical, water-front land, and half barren moon-like wasteland. Gives it an edge. Like, it’s small, but it has a darkness inside it. The mysterious kind. I bet it’s really charming and fun to hang out with but when things start to get dicey and someone starts threatening you and your date, you turn around and WHOA D HAS A KNIFE?! It scares you a little in the moment, but when you look back, you’re like “Man, D really had my back.”

D definitely hates B and C so much.

1. F

Probably let’s you crash on its couch. Always has booze around just in case you and your significant other are fighting. Super reliable. Won’t even talk bad about B, unless you get a few drinks in it. And even then it’s like, “I dunno, B’s nice, just maybe a little much for me,” and even though all the other planets roll their eyes and groan, they know F is the best of them and the only one with a real chance to make it big. And it always dates planets that are way out of its league. Like one time they saw it out with Venus and it changed the way they all thought about it forever. It might even have a tattoo under there. Who knows?

Plus, it never bugs them too much about playing the music too loud. Just a solid planet.

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