The Seven New Earth-Like Planets Discovered By NASA, Ranked

02.22.17 3 Comments

Big news, folks. NASA has discovered seven new Earth-like planets orbiting a star outside our solar system. A new record! And according to the scientists who released the report, three of them are even located in what they refer to as “the inhabitable zone.” New planets, here we come! Maybe. Probably not. But maybe!

Sayeth NASA:

Based on their densities, all of the TRAPPIST-1 planets are likely to be rocky. Further observations will not only help determine whether they are rich in water, but also possibly reveal whether any could have liquid water on their surfaces. The mass of the seventh and farthest exoplanet has not yet been estimated – scientists believe it could be an icy, “snowball-like” world, but further observations are needed.

Hmm. It appears we know two things so far:

  • Someone at NASA is great at naming things, because the tweet announcing this said the planets were spotted “around a nearby, ultra-cool dwarf star called TRAPPIST-1,” which makes the star sound like a small EDM DJ.
  • We don’t know much else.

So until we do actually learn more useful information, let’s take this opportunity to do the only rational thing we can possibly do in this situation. Let’s rank some planets.

7. B

Look at this fake-ass giant Mercury, sucking up to its fake sun, snuggling in there like “Oh hey, boss, what’s up? Looking great today, as always. Just wanted to see if you needed anything. Coffee, snack, hot towel. I have some Sun Chips in my desk if you want those. No really, I don’t mind. Wait, did you get a haircut? Either way, very sharp. Stylish, even. Kind of like Jon Hamm from Mad Men. Did you ever watch that show? I loved i-… What? You didn’t? Yeah, uh, me neither. You and me, man. Simpatico every time. Anyway, back to the ol’ grind. Lemme know if you want those Sun Chips. Just wave. I’ll bring them over.”

Ugh. Have some self-respect, B.

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