Parties are awesome. Whether it’s a wedding reception, a corporate schmooze fest or the one too many keggers most of us attempted and survived in college, getting together with a room of family, friends or strangers is almost always wonderful. At least, when alcohol is involved.
But every once in awhile, we encounter a birthday party gone wrong or a highly publicized domestic disturbance. Something so horrific that we either (a) never tell another soul, or (b) share with the online world in Reddit’s /r/AskReddit forum. Hence user eddiemurphyscareer‘s post that made the front page on Friday, “What happened at the worst party you’ve ever been to?”
As you can probably imagine, the comments range from Animal House-esque escapades to drugged and drunken affairs involving illegal substances, infidelity and police raids.
Terrible weddings are always a good place to start. There’s a few, like this death-less version of Romeo and Juliet:
I went to a trashy shotgun wedding several years ago (bloke in his 50s to his pregnant workmate in her early 20s). Both families hated each other, and there was the inevitable fight on the dance floor after somebody trod on a female guest’s foot. There was blood everywhere, and the hall owners just switched off all the power and made everybody leave. It was only 7pm, and evening guests were still arriving to find they had missed everything. The marriage lasted.
The reversal of expectations stumped a few commenters:
Are you M Night Shyamalan cause that twist was ridiculous
Don’t forget the wedding story that started it all, complete with a very ambiguous ending:
I was at a trashy shotgun-wedding reception and slipped off to piss in the bushes. When I came back there were two blonde strippers dressed as cops “arresting” the groom.
I said “who the f*ck rents strippers for a wedding” really loud right as the music cut out. They weren’t strippers.
If the two blondes weren’t strippers, what were they? Actual police officers actually arresting the groom? Friends or family members playing a trick on him? DON’T LEAVE ME HANGING, OP.
Then there’s the corporate drone who really, really wanted to please his client:
Friend told me about this Corporate party held for the clients he was at. Open bar but pretty dull with people being on their best behavior to schmooze and make the clients feel important. It was “open bar” in the sense that employees were understood to hold their sh*t together.
One very very low on the totem pole employee got hammered drunk with one of their biggest clients and finger-banged the hell out of her in the pool for like half an hour.
Fired that following Monday. Probably worth it as he was making minimum wage.
As one commenter pointed out, the promptly-fired individual is “the guy you you promote” instead. There were also the inevitable comparisons to Mad Men. In other words, many fellow drones found solace in this party story and were disappointed in its outcome.
Maybe he would have fared better had he attended a party where such activities were part of the attraction:
The worst was a large second-year college party at some kid’s off-campus apartment. Some of us noticed that people kept “disappearing,” without a word, from the party.
Until we opened a bedroom door and saw an orgy-in-progress – with people so boozed-up (or high) that there were no boundaries as to who was doing what, and to whom. Two couples got into a fight, later, when they realized their partners were doing each other – the rest of us just left before things got worse.
A few are short, mainly because the storytellers didn’t stick around long enough to find out what happened next. Like the party that was too silent:
Went to another college to visit some friends. I walk through the door and realize somethings wrong: they were all drunk, and watching some fat chick poop on the floor. I left 5 minutes later still laughing hysterically
Or the clown who mysteriously disappeared from the 4-year-old’s birthday party:
At a birthday party for a 4 year old in my neighborhood, we (the parents and I) caught the clown masturbating in the kids bedroom holding a picture of the mom.
But like any forum, there’s a few really good ones that stick out. The kinds of party horror stories that, despite how bad they were, make anyone listening feel an uncontrollable sense of relief. Like the lucky-as-balls minor who avoided a ticket:
Senior year of high school, went to a party down the street. tons of people showed up, so I ended up drinking with a few people in the basement where it was less crowded. At like 2AM the cops showed up and kicked in the front door. They didn’t let anyone leave before getting their information and writing them a ticket. I hid in the shower while they were searching the basement. Once everyone had gotten picked up or driven home by the cops, I went to sleep on the back porch as the sun was coming up, without getting any citations or in any trouble. Everyone else lost their license for a year.
And the new apartment celebration that, while it turned out terribly, proved just how awesome the OP’s roommate is:
I invite a bunch of close friends, and one friend of a friend I had just started talking to the week before (let’s call her L), to my flatwarming.
I don’t get drunk, but I do enjoy getting tipsy. So while drinking, I’m eating lots of food. Stupidly, I leave my bottle of wine on the floor while I go to make more food.
Things get hazy. The last thing I remember is coming into the lounge with my Doctor Who Monopoly.
Then I wake up, the following afternoon, in my flatmate’s bed (he came home half an hour later and comforted me), covered in poo, with my cellphone missing, and my laptop not turning on. I went and had a shower, crying, then knocked on the other flatmate’s door.
Story goes: I started acting funny, got changed into a cosplay of mine infront of whoever was watching, asked for more booze, to which I drank 1/3 a bottle of straight vodka, burped, then smashed the empty bottle on the ground. Gave a blowjob to a guy then vomitted over him. All while L is giving me orange juice mixed with more alcohol. She also got a wooden spoon from the kitchen that she wanted to put in my ass. She took medication from my medbag that I had previously used for constipation (1 tablespoon mixed with yoghurt) and gave me half the bottle.
After that story, I went to see my bedroom. You can imagine the sight… and smell.
Moral of the story? Parties are still awesome. Just don’t go to any that even remotely look like any of these godawful ordeals.
(Via Reddit)