Oregon State Police Just Apprehended The Internet’s Newest Celebrity

The man pictured above, Daniel Joseph Martinson, was apprehended in Cave Junction, Oregon this morning, who had been wanted in connection with the November 2013 murder of a 39-year-old man. It’s unknown how the man was killed or what his relationship to the suspect was (AND YES I DID RESEARCH, FARTKNOCKERS) but the death had been ruled a homicide and Martinson was the prime suspect.

But anyway, it should come as little surprise that the manhunt that concluded this morning had been focused on a “remote, heavily wooded” area of Cave Junction. Because this is what someone looks like when they’ve been both living off of the land and on the lam. Obviously.

I have so many questions here. What is that sarong made out of? Was it his shirt? What happened to his pants? Was he not wearing any when he fled into the woods? (I hate pants too, bro!) Why is he wearing that on his head? Was it for camouflage? That’s good camouflage if you want people to think, “Oh, is that Pine Tree Jesus?” and not “Oh, is that wanted murderer Daniel Joseph Martinson? And what happened to his shoes? If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching Naked and Afraid, it’s that makeshift footwear is VERY important when you’re a survivalist.

And just in case you thought the photo of his capture was an isolated incident of winning at life, let me direct you to the file photos of Martinson via the Oregon State Police:


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