Our Crush Jenna Marbles Was On GMA This Morning Discussing The 'Grinding' Scourge

Traditional media wouldn’t be the traditional media if it didn’t drum up retarded stories about the sh*t kids these days are doing to scare old people. It’s enraging, but it’s what they do.

In such, the latest scourge on humanity being perpetrated by the youngs is “grinding” — you know, simulating sex on dance floor. Despite my 20 years of experience dancing with girls informing my knowledge that grinding has been going on FOREVER, this is now being reported as a new phenomenon. It’s as if a bunch of people were sitting in a newsroom trying to come up with story ideas when one of them blurted out, “Well, I saw Snookie grinding on a potted plant on Jersey Shore the other night.” And from this an insidious trend in born that obviously leads to rape and teen pregnancies and basically threatens humanity’s future, and the New York Times appears to be the entity that kicked this whole absurd thing off.

“Grinding is exactly what it sounds like,” said Tom Rosenbluth, head of the middle school at Francis W. Parker, a K-12 independent school in Chicago, who says he has had so much experience with this style of dancing among his seventh and eighth graders that he cannot help but refer to himself as a “grinding expert.” He added: “It’s basically sex with your clothes on in public.”

The Web site Urban Dictionary has nearly 50 definitions for grinding, though perhaps only No. 18 is really suitable for publication: “Basically the boy gets behind the girl, puts his hands on her hips, and they rock from side to side. It’s supposed to mimic sex, and the teachers hate it.”

Jesus Christ. Now here’s where our girl Jenna Marbles comes in.

Taking the Times‘ faux-trend lead, Good Morning America devoted a segment to the fake grinding scourge this morning and had Jenna on as a guest, presenting her as the driving force behind the anti-grinding movement, mainly because she posted a video months ago presenting a comical but common sensical way to “avoid talking to people you don’t want to talk to” — which is to flash them a ridiculous look. Her bit on warding off unwanted advances on dancefloors in clubs was actually one of a number of occurrences she laid out in discussing when one can use a ridiculous look to get someone to buzz off. You see, kids, this is how your traditional media sausage gets made!

Anyway, we don’t blame Jenna at all for rolling with the interview. Gotta get pub when and how you can. And besides, she’s the only thing that makes this silly report semi-tolerable.