When last we left the odious and odoriferous Peter King, he was told by Russell Wilson that God made Wilson throw those four interceptions because it would totally make his NFC Championship victory more exciting. PK also assured us there’s still a place in the world for movie theaters and sampled a beer from this obscure little brewery called Abita that you might have only heard of if you live in one of the 43 states where it’s distributed.
But what about this week? Did you know Peter is way too good to overhype Ballghazi even though he already has? It’s true. Now prepare for hot Marshawn takes and READ ON.
PHOENIX — We interrupt the Deflategate hysteria (I do believe that is not an overstatement)
Finally, someone with the GUTS to say this ridiculous and omnipresent story has been overblown for more than a week (but only after he contributed to the hysteria).
to bring you this incredible factoid about the state of the two Super Bowl teams approaching the 23rd game of their seasons:
“Both teams have at least one player who has heard of The Beatles! Can you believe that? Weirdly weird!”
One player out of 106 active Seahawks and Patriots was not healthy enough to practice when the two teams worked out this weekend. That player, Seattle starting right guard J.R. Sweezy (ankle), still is listed as probable for Super Bowl 49, meaning it’s very likely he’ll play in the biggest game of his young life next Sunday. So, barring someone straining an oblique on the golf course on Tuesday afternoon, it is surprising to report in the fifth month of a brutal NFL season that the two teams left standing are ridiculously healthy as they begin final preparations for the game.
So you’re saying Carl Next Man Up didn’t get a chance to contribute to either of these teams? Good thing he wasn’t one of the players you split your MVP vote between.
I hate to do this to you, because I know you have come here this morning to read more about a minor deflation of 11 footballs that the average person — never mind noted Foxboro Institute of Technology physics professor Bill Belichick — couldn’t tell the difference in, even if two 50-yard-line seats to this game depended on his answer.
“I’m sorry, dear readers, but I’m forced to take the high road after already dedicating much of my time to this inane story that I now think I’m above. I’m afraid my football column is better suited for other, more pressing matters, like telling you which catcher replaced Johnny Bench and how smelly other people are on flights.”
I dare to defer one of the biggest pre-Super Bowl stories in the 48-year history of the game to page two of the column today.
SO FEARLESS. Can you fathom the bravery of this man? He could have followed the media sheeple and led his column with a story that has had no real developments over the past few days aside from another awkward press conference, but he didn’t. He pushed it all the way back to the second page of a five-page column. That’s how you stick it to the news cycle in true Nugget Baron style. Cojones, Peter King has them.
Page one belongs to Bill Vinovich, the Super Bowl referee.
What football fans really need to know about right now is how Bill Vinovich overcame a heart condition eight years ago to make his way back to officiating and eventually be the lead referee in a Super Bowl!
Look at this heart-warming tale of overcoming the odds and tell me you haven’t forgotten about all the bad things that happened in the NFL this year!
Tell me!
[waterboards you]
TELL ME!
Doctors replaced his ascending aorta with a synthetic mesh that is quite literally bulletproof.
That’s the same stuff they make the Shield out of. Bill Vinovich is more Shield than man!
Vinovich doesn’t have the field persona of Ed Hochuli or Gene Steratore. He’s economical with his words, and about as vanilla a guy doing a game as you’ll find. Maybe he’ll have some spicy words for a Terrell Suggs to get his attention. But they won’t be over an open mike.
Good for you, resilient boring guy. I’m glad it was you who pushed Ballghazi a few hundred words down this endless, stupid column.
And so here we are at the Super Bowl of Ball Inflation.
And you have to wonder how the Patriots made it since they excel at deflating balls. Such a WEIRD National Ball Inflation League season.
I thought the Bill Belichick press conference Saturday afternoon was extraordinary.
“It had a reference to a movie I’ve seen!”
Clearly, he realized his integrity, and that of his organization, was under fire. He wanted to tell the world there was, in his mind, a rational explanation for the decline in pressure in the footballs during the first half of the AFC Championship Game. He wanted to tell the world stridently that he thought his team and his staff did absolutely nothing wrong. He wanted to tell the world he was proud of his players for continually persevering and becoming the best team in the AFC this season, which the Patriots certainly are. It was passionate and moving and very human.
“Passionate”, “moving” and “human” are not words to be affixed to Bill Belichick under any circumstances. Ol’ Grumblelord gave a droning lecture about how the Patriots prepare footballs before a game. I’m not sure even Mark Brunell shed any tears over it.
Now, it was great TV
By CSPAN standards, sure.
and it showed a side of Belichick we rarely get to see — the loyal and earnest and fiery and educational Belichick, all at once. But I’m not sure it changed very much.
“It was a very moving, very educational, completely pointless, passionate oration of the ages.”
We still don’t know why New England’s footballs were fine before the game, low at halftime (at least 11, according to Chris Mortensen), inflated to the proper level by the officiating crew, and then fine after the game. So that’s a problem that needs to be addressed.
And it will be in the fullness of time, but for now, Peter King will be just satisfied if we namecheck some more characters that Marisa Tomei has played.
Many of you have asked a logical question that I agree needs to be answered by the league. The allowable range of air pressure in NFL balls is between 12.5 and 13.5 pounds per square inch. If the Indianapolis footballs were checked before the game and found to be at 13.5 psi, theoretically they could have lost a pound each and still have been good. So if New England’s footballs were at 12.5 when delivered to the officials before the game and passed muster on the electric gauge that tests them, it’s conceivable they could have lost one psi and tested faulty at halftime.
If the Colts’ footballs were all delivered to the officials at 13.5 psi, the crew would have done nothing. If the Patriots’ football were all delivered at 12.5 psi, the crew would have done nothing. But I don’t know what specific level of pressure the footballs had when they were released to the control of the ball boys.
A plausible-sounding theory based on absolutely nothing. It’s the Seinfeld of Ballghazi theories!
And about Bill Belichick’s or Tom Brady’s legacy and Hall of Fame status …
Too early. Way too early. Brady might play five more years the way he’s going. Belichick might coach longer than that. Who knows? But with the five-year waiting period before either man is eligible for Hall election, that means it could be 2025 or 2027 before their cases are even heard for the first time.
There’s just too much that can happen before then, in all ways. Let’s see where this story ends up.
Did both teams’ footballs deflate by the same amount? I DON’T KNOW BUT THEY COULD. Will this affect the Hall of Fame candidacy of Tom Brady and Bill Belichick? I DON’T KNOW BUT IT COULD.
Dazzling reporting, Peter. Very brave of you to keep us waiting on all this nothing until Page Two.
Okay, let’s run through a few quick MMQB sections no one needs to bother with.
Requiem for a sportswriter.
Former New York Daily News and Newark Star-Ledger writer Paul Needell died. I’m sure he was a fine person and it’s terrible that he died relatively young at 57 from multiple sclerosis, but I definitely don’t need 1,200+ words on his life in the middle of weekly football column.
Mr. Cub Stat of the Week
NOPE.
NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.
Ernie Banks was a great baseball player and by all accounts a great person. That’s the extent of the beisbol chatter I need for this installment. So thanks and moving on.
Quotes of the Week
There are seven of them! Seven! This is why, even when Peter has almost nothing to say some weeks (like this one) it still takes like five hours to slog through this shitheap.
And the last word, sort of, from Don Shula.
This comes from Jim Steeg, who for years ran the Super Bowl and big NFL events:
“Back in the seventies, the Dolphins were going to play the Raiders in Oakland. They practiced at the Oakland Coliseum on Saturday, and in the locker room Larry Csonka found laying there the Raiders’ game plan for the next day’s game. He gave it to [Dolphins offensive line coach] Monte Clark to give to Don Shula, which Monte did.
“The next day the Dolphins got beat by the Raiders. Csonka went to Monte and asked, ‘How did we lose? We had their game plan.’
“Monte’s response: ‘I gave it to Don and he threw it in the trash. He said, ‘We do not cheat!’ ”
I kind of want the NFL to take away all of Don Shula’s wins for being that stupid. That’s not cheating! The Raiders were just stupid enough to leave their gameplan lying around when they knew the Dolphins would be using the facility.
The Fine Fifteen (Or Two)
A quick list, seeing that only two teams are still alive and very little has changed in the rankings since last Monday.
Anything that shortens this column even by a sentence is a blessing, even if it means all the teams in his pointless power rankings are tied.
T-1. Seattle (14-4). Did you see the highway overpasses on I-405 between the Seahawks’ complex in Renton and the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport, with the fans and the banners so the team could feel the love as it bused to the airport Sunday for the flight to Phoenix?
No, and thank goodness for that.
Those fans are insatiable.
Peter King misspelling insufferable again smh.
T-1. New England (14-4). If New England wins the Super Bowl, I’m sure cornerback Brandon Browner will be a significant reason — and that’s going to be one of the best stories this week. While the world obsesses on the NFL football investigation, Seattle offensive coordinator Darrell Bevell is going to have to figure a way to move the ball through the air so as not to put all the offensive pressure on Marshawn Lynch.
“Yes, while the rest of the media chases Ballghazi like a pack of hungry jackals, *I* know the true story of Super Bowl XLIX – that one of the team’s starting cornerbacks is important to the game. Go ahead, thank me now for this priceless bit of football insight.”
That means studying how to overcome the physicality of Brandon Browner at one corner and the clinging coverage of Darrelle Revis on the other corner. A year ago, Wilson might have had a field day against this secondary.
He might have only thrown three interceptions against them!
This year? I doubt it.
Lots of preemptive excuses for Russ here. If Seattle can’t throw at will, it’s because Darrell Bevell didn’t gameplan well enough. Or because this Patriots secondary is just too damn good. Definitely never Russell Wilson’s fault. Just God settin’ him up for glory.
Oh, and here comes a great chaser:
Stat of the Week
In Russell Wilson’s three seasons as starting quarterback for Seattle—he has started all 55 regular-season and post-season games since being picked in the third round by the Seahawks in 2012—he and his teammates have played 10 games against quarterbacks who have won at least one Super Bowl. The Seahawks are 10-0 in those games. Of course, since the first one was the wacky 14-12 victory attributed to the awful touchdown ruling in the end zone by the replacement-ref crew in Week 3 in 2012, most people would look at that 10-0 record against Super Bowl quarterbacks as being asterisked.
But even if it were 9-1, that would still be a heck of a way to start one’s career.
Head to head, Wilson is 3-0 against Aaron Rodgers, 2-0 against Peyton Manning, Eli Manning and Drew Brees, and 1-0 against Tom Brady.
Average scores in those 10 games: Seattle 29, Foes 15.
Wilson’s touchdown-to-interception differential in those 10 games: 16-8. (It was 15-4 before this year’s NFC Championship Game.)
I know, I know — give credit to the defense for being so dominant and for holding Peyton Manning to 14 points per game and Brees 11 and Rodgers 17. The Seahawks defense has been terrific in the past three years, leading the league in scoring defense in all three seasons. But Wilson has not been just an innocent bystander here.
He’s been a slightly better than average accomplice!
One more Wilson morsel that will drive the quarterback-wins-is-a-meaningless-stat crowd to drink:
“I know this is dumb and wrong and will piss a lot of people off, BUT I JUST GOTTA!”
Wilson’s 42 victories in his first three NFL seasons, in regular – and postseason games, is six more than any other quarterback in NFL history.
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
YOU CREATED TEBOW TWO WE’LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU
not that we were anyway, but y’know
Factoids of the Week That May Interest Only Me
The combined career playoff record of Aaron Rodgers and Peyton Manning is 17-18.
Yeah, I can’t think of one other person that might be interested in the postseason record of two likely Hall of Fame quarterbacks.
New England’s five Super Bowls in the Belichick-Brady Era have been decided by 3, 3, 3, 3, and 4 points.
Whoa, I can’t believe how that collection of margins of victory in five Super Bowls only appeals to one person and that is Peter King. Just uncanny stuff.
Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week
Four hours and 56 minutes. That’s how long the flight was from New York to Phoenix on Sunday morning. That is also how long I had to smell the over-ripe woman in the seat behind me. I have read about people who have the problem of very strong body odor that is not controllable no matter how often they wash. I have no idea if this was one of those cases. Whatever this was, it was five hours of my life I will not remember fondly. Well, I guess I should look on the bright side. It’s an easy, though odoriferous, travel note of the week.
You should look on the bright side too: Now you have a fun word to share with friends, who will be so impressed if you use “odoriferous” instead of simply “stinks.”
Peter King smells like coffee farts, Goodell’s ejaculate and the reeking carcass of his credibility. Judge not, you little shit weasel.
Ten Things I Think I Think
I think we’re going to need a bit more of an explanation, Colts, on the Trent Richardson story. Either he was tending to some family emergency, as he reportedly said was the reason he missed a walk-through before the AFC title game, or he did something so bad as to be suspended for two games. Which is it?
You know, if the Colts came out and said they didn’t even want to feel like being tempted to put Trent Richardson on the field, no one would challenge. Even DeMaurice Smith would say, “Yeah, we’ll let that one go.”
I think you can file this under “Things General Managers Have To Say To Not Upset The Superstar Entering Super Bowl Week.” Seattle GM John Schneider said of Marshawn Lynch’s penchant for having stupid press conferences (answering questions with the same answer, question after question) and twice this year grabbing his crotch after making big plays: “I kind of love his act.” Folks, there isn’t a general manager on the planet who kind of loves that act.
PK on Goodell: “Woah, woah, woah, I know the Mueller Report establishes that Roger Goodell said an untruth about trying as hard as he could to get facts on the Ray Rice incident, but let’s not throw words like liar around.”
PK on John Schneider: “HE SAID HE ENJOYS THE GLORY BOY’S GAME OF PRECIOUS QUOTE DENIAL!? BIGGEST FUCKING LIAR THERE EVER WAS! BEHIND CLOSED DOORS, YOU SHOULD HEAR THE THINGS THAT MAN SAYS ABOUT THUGS AND GAY PEOPLE!”
I think it’s just a matter of time before a youth football player crossing the goal line, or a youth basketball player hitting a big shot, or another young athlete doing something great, follows that act with a crotch-grab. Well, they’ll say, I saw my favorite player, Marshawn Lynch do it; I’m following him. Lynch would be so proud, I’m sure.
And then the innocence of a game that features players pounding their brains into mush will be lost forever!!!!!!
Soon you won’t be able to order a godforsaken latte in this town without a barista grabbing up on his dick with one hand while handing the drink to you with the other. And when that happens, I’ll know it was the fault of Marshawn Lynch, the world’s first dick-grabber.
I think I’ll say one thing to you, Seattle fans, pre-emptively: Don’t tell me I’m a Marshawn Lynch hater.
Well, I’m not a Seahawks fan, but I wouldn’t call you that. I just think you’re a racist and a killjoy.
I understand rooting for the big star of your team, and Lynch is a great player and a really good team guy. But do not try to defend a man who has something going on in his head that tells him to grab his crotch on national TV after he scores a touchdown. It is demeaning, and you are demeaning yourselves as one of the best groups of fans I’ve encountered in 31 years covering the NFL by defending the indefensible.
I dunno, Seahawks fans. You should probably listen to this talentless millionaire who helped cover up Roger Goodell’s lies about dealing with domestic violence about what is and isn’t demeaning.
10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:
a. I bow this morning to the six full-time SI photographers laid off the other day, all of whom I’ve worked with, all of whom take such great pride in their work — Al Tielemans, Bill Frakes, John McDonough, Simon Bruty, David E. Klutho and Robert Beck. A sad day for us.
“Sad day for us, but especially them! I’m still making millions. TOUGH BREAK, PHOTOGS! Should’ve had hotter takes about Marshawn’s dick grabbing!”
b. One thousand wins for Mike Krzyzewski. That has to be one of the great feats in sports today—to last that long, and to be that good for that long. Hearty congratulations to Krzyzewski.
Normally I would bristle at a Coach K congratulation, but it’s just so perfect after that whole Marshawn Lynch rant. If PK complains about Al Sharpton before the end of the column, he’s reached Peak Rich White Guy.
d. You’re going to have do some research on this, because I don’t want to link to it. But the back page of Friday’s New York Daily News made me laugh like I was 13 years old, on the bus to JFK Junior High in Enfield, Conn.
Here it is:
!!!!!
Just a few paragraphs ago you had a tantrum about kids seeing sophomoric stuff like dick-grabbing and emulating it. But this winking joke about balls on a newspaper tabloid is SOOOOOOPER FUNNY? You know PK would defend this by grumbling that kids these days don’t read anyway.
h. Can’t “The Newsroom” come back? Why is it ending?
WHY MUST IT END BEFORE COACH K GETS A CAMEO!?
i. Ernie Banks’s death reminded me of George Costanza in “The Opposite,” when his life goes up and Elaine’s down. George enters the restaurant, sees his pals and in a cocky voice, sing-songs: “Greetings and salutations. It’s a beautiful day for a ballgame! Let’s play two!”
Damn, Peter. Surprised you weren’t invited to the funeral to share that touching story. No wonder he’s capable of finding Belichick to be moving.
n. Coffeenerdness: I love that Flat White, Starbucks. Thanks for stealing it from the Aussies.
DON SHULA WOULD HAVE CALLED THAT CHEATING, STARBUCKS! FOR SHAME!
o. Beernerdness: Before I left Seattle late last Monday, I took young Klemko to the place of his dreams: Georgetown Brewing Company, for some late-afternoon sampling of the beers of one of the best small, local breweries in the country. I’ve always loved Manny’s Pale Ale, but this time I got to try and appreciate Eddie India Pale Lager (named after Eddie Vedder), which will be my Seattle fave if and when I find it on my next trip to the region. Come to the East Coast, please. That is some tremendous beer.
Beernerdness: I went to a beer place and had two beers. It’s ok if you don’t understand. That’s strictly nerd stuff.
p. My first run of any length in some time on Saturday: five miles in 44 minutes, 32 seconds. The best thing about the Super Bowl being over in a week is I’ll be able to stop making excuses about not being able to work out, and hopefully be free of this long-lasting sinus/bronchitis thing that dogged me around the holidays and in early January, and get back to business of being a lean, mean, fighting machine. (Well, a runner of eight-and-a-half-minute miles in succession would suffice at this point, to be honest.)
Or just quit your job.
q. I am addicted to the FitBit. A day without 10,000 steps is a bad day.
Yes, yes, that is a very healthy addiction and you should give up everything to feed it. Become That Walking Guy. You’ll be so fit and lean and never have to poison anyone’s life with nuggets.
r. Love Phoenix in the winter. I just wish they wouldn’t have sent the Coyotes away this week. Would have loved to have stolen a night with the pucks with Rick Gosselin.
“Ain’t got time to exercise, but I’d totally have blown off my job in the middle of Super Bowl week to pound beers and watch a hockey game with a fellow reporter. Did you know I like the Devils? That is the only hockey factoid I know.”
The Adieu Haiku
Welcome to Phoenix!
And a week of Deflategate.
Really hate that name.
Call it Ballghazi
It combines your biggest loves:
Balls balls balls and balls