Now comes the time in the night where we must warn everyone about the dangers of Saturated Fats. Cheers for #Foles! Jeers for #Poles! It's a long way down, baby. Celebrate responsibly! pic.twitter.com/mES5MpPTY4
— Philadelphia Police Department (@PhillyPolice) January 22, 2018
Ahead of the playoff game between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Minnesota Vikings earlier this month, the city of Philadelphia attempted to prevent enthusiastic sports fans from literally climbing street poles — which is a thing in Philly — by greasing them with Crisco.
Yeah … so about that: It didn’t work.
Sgt. Eric Gripp of the Philadelphia Police Department later told Philly.com in a statement, “The fact that we were greasing them doesn’t mean we were daring people to climb them. Unfortunately it became a thing ahead of time so people thought we were daring them to topple the grease.”
Suffice to say, the city isn’t bothering to grease the poles ahead of Sunday’s Superbowl since fans will just climb them anyway.
As such, the adult entertainment website Pornhub is offering lubricant — a whopping 110 gallons of the stuff in two 55 barrels — to the city full of lovable idiots “to prohibit any tomfoolery after the game from Eagles fans.” For what it’s worth, lube sounds more slippery than Crisco, and better for the environment.
https://twitter.com/Pornhub/status/958787859993059329
The barrels were leftover from when Pornhub put together a big “lube slide” in 2016 to announce the company’s new line of lubricants, and since they’ve apparently just been sitting around in a warehouse Pornhub thought they could lend the city a hand.
Speaking of masturbation-related puns, Pornhub Vice President Corey Price took time to put together a Q&A about the offer, featuring gems like these:
Why 110 gallons?
We have 55 gallon barrels of lube, and figured that would be an ample amount to keep hands from sliding up and down on Philly’s hard poles.
How would you suggest it be applied to poles?
Liberally and gently on the base, working your way up the shaft.
This isn’t the first time Pornhub has stepped up to help a city in need. In March of 2017, Pornhub branded snowplows were made available in Boston and areas in New Jersey after winter storm Stella slammed the northeast. Philadelphia has yet to take the company up on its offer, but the game is still fours days away so anything could happen!