Predicting EA’s Next Justifications For SimCity’s Always-Online Requirement

…pants on fire EA. 

EA and Maxis have given us a lot of reasons why SimCity absolutely needs to be connected to the Internet, most of them ridiculous and/or blatantly false. First the game was using cloud computing to run its simulation! Then it was actually an MMO! Gamers have roundly rejected these explanations, so what’s it going to be next? I predict EA and Maxis’ next excuses after the jump…

– EA hates DRM so much we’ve decided to concentrate and contain it all within a single game in order to keep our other games safe from its blight.

– SimCity’s simulation is so advanced your city’s inhabitants are actually living, breathing entities. It would be cruel to deprive them of Internet access. The whining of the Sim teenagers alone would drive you crazy.

Is this what you like? Is this your thing you sick f–cks?

– The sewage your Sims produce is also real, and will quickly fill up your computer unless it’s drained via your Internet cable. Come on, who wants Sim poop on their motherboard? Is that what you’re into sicko?

– Okay, the Cloud isn’t actually required to make the game work, but gosh, we see a whole lot of potential in our little Cloud and think the sky’s the limit if we encourage it now. So how ’bout we all just pretend, okay?

– Sorry, it’s not an MMO. It’s uh…an online FPS! Yeah! Zoom in real close and you’ll see. Chaos in the streets! Bodies everywhere!

Mr. Scrufflebutt is hanging on by a thread guys…a thread.

– While we can’t elaborate on the hows and whys, we can confirm that a puppy will die if SimCity’s always-online requirement is removed.

– Building cities is kind of boring anyways, right? As long as you’re connected to the Internet, you’d probably be happier with some porn or cat gifs or something.

– We’re dedicated to providing the most realistic city planning simulation possible, so like most real cities SimCity is frustrating, barely functional and will never change.

Pictured in the background — lots of Sims. 

– Have you seen Wreck-It Ralph? Your Sims will be missing out on having whimsical adventures with Q*bert or whatever if the game’s not connected. What do you have against whimsy?

– It wasn’t us who came up with the whole always-online thing! It was this guy who used to work here, Bill. Or maybe it was Bob. We’ll check on that. Anyways, only he knows how to fix this, but he put a password on all his old files, and it would be really awkward to call him up and ask for it, sooooo yeah.

– You’re really going to appreciate the offline, single-player console port all the more now.

So, now you all know how to design a SimCity game better than Will Wright. Pssh. Sure, okay.

– Will Wright totally left us a note before he left telling us always-online was the way to go. What? You want to see the note? Sure. It’s uh…out in our car. Just let us go get it…

– Hey, you’re all still playing Diablo III, so f–k off.