‘Real Rock Drummer’ Available For ‘Non-Pu**y Band’

“HEY BRO. Do you like pansy music like Justin I’m-Not-a-Belieber and The Dave Matthews Band? Then quit using your balls on your head and click away. This is only for people who use their balls…on their dick. I’m looking for a REAL DRUMMER for a REAL ROCK GROUP. Think Foreigner or Iron Maiden, but with more dick. If you join my band, you’re gonna use your cymbal to float on The River of Wet Panty Juice. That’s how ROCK ‘N’ ROLL I am – will you, too? ZEPPELIN RULES.”

Such is my interpretation of an amazing ad in the Craigslist Los Angeles job listings, in which a “non-pussy band” is looking for a “real rock drummer.” But mine’s nothing compared to the sheer poetry that is sentences like, “So when I’m f*cking the sh*t outta the kit, you can’t be the guy in the corner beating your limp, taffy d*ck wishing that you could stick your d*ck in too, NO! You get that d*ck hard and f*ck the stage with me, pu$sy boy.” Yup.

I do NOT play to a click track or backing tracks and GO SCREW if you think I’m gonna “tone it down a little, bro” so you can piddle away on your stringed sissy box. I WILL NOT play hotel cafe and don’t take direction from ninnies who live in their fucking parents basement and whack off to dreams of hanging with Jack Johnson and rapping about his “process”, you piece of shit. I am a real mother fucker with balls of steel and have a drumset that loves to be ass fucked mercilessly from behind and I need to join a band who understands that stage-sex is part of the fucking game, dude. So when I’m fucking the shit outta the kit, you can’t be the guy in the corner beating your limp, taffy dick wishing that you could stick your dick in too, NO! You get that dick hard and fuck the stage with me, pussy boy. I’m so sick of stealing the show and would really love to meet some real sons of fucking bitches who aren’t afraid to use a sweat band for its intended purpose: wiping off fucking sweat, cum, groupies, pussy juice, blood, etc.

Do not write me for reasons of sass because I will FIND YOU and shred your fucking face with my SHIT-STORMING DRUM GODLINESS!

Sounds like a guy with mad skills!

(Via Buzzfeed)