This Man Stapled Himself In The Most Awkward Place. Wait, Where?


Over at the “Today I F*cked Up” subreddit, an impressively idiotic tale is making the rounds. The story is so graphic in terms of descriptive pain reactions that, once you read it, you’ll never stick random office supplies into your body’s orifices ever again. Yes, this is something that one man did, and he paid the pain price.

Now, all of this sounds unbelievable if you’re dealing with a paperless office that doesn’t use staples, but not many offices can get away with losing a stapler for good. So, that’s the tool this guy messed around with, and his rampant boredom and bad judgment caused him to annoy his co-worker with the squeaky hinges. Before you know it, the most random of body parts received a point-blank set of twin metal prongs. Screaming ensues, and blood gushes. This sounds like the perfect Halloween story to tell by the office campfire. Take it away, WhiskeyMcQueer:

So at work I had this stapler that made funny squeaking noises when the top lid/part was pressed. My colleague (Bob) really hated the irritating sound of that squeaking. To annoy Bob, I placed the top lid/part between my teeth and was making engine noises. Suddenly I sneezed and tried to pull the stapler out of my mouth but teeth clenched it hard in place and stapled the roof of my mouth. I screamed, Bob screamed, sharp pain, blood dripping and Bob totally freaked out. Everyone around me came running and I was taken to hospital.

Emergency room doctor looked at me, sitting there with my mouth open like a crocodile, asked Bob what was wrong. Bob explained. Doc shook his head and then proceeded to gently use some blunt scalpel type instrument to pry the staple loose and pull it out. GOD.THAT.PAIN.

After the staple was removed (and only after), the doctors supplied ol’ Whiskey with a supply of painkillers. He also endured a few shots (tetanus, yo), and the docs shook their fingers at him for placing foreign objects in his mouth. Especially foreign objects that shoot staples!

When all was said and done, this silly guy was unable to eat solid food for days because of the constant pain. That wasn’t even the worst part of this mess. He had to answer questions from the HR department, who couldn’t quite believe this guy was dumb enough to staple the freaking roof of his mouth. After the initial shock of realizing that, yes, they willingly hired this guy, they received proof while clearing his medical bills. He solemnly promised to never staple his mouth again, and I think he means it.

(Via Reddit)