These Guys Divulged What They Thought At The Wedding Altar, And Uh, It’s Not Good

wedding-jitters
Shutterstock

The fine Internet folks at Reddit seldom fail to amuse and enlighten. A glorious new thread promises to reveal the inner workings of the male mind during those awkward moments at the altar. The answers range from predictable to utterly strange and from ecstatic to bummed. Some men were full of regret while others couldn’t believe their sheer luck, so they messed the ceremony up in short order. Let’s get down to business, because some of these couples may not have been so lucky on their special nights.

The unfortunate isthisoneinvalidtoo should have listened to his instincts:

“‘This is a mistake… This is a mistake…’ We separated in June and are in the initial steps of divorce.”

This guy, willtheyeverlearn, endured a battle of wits with himself before enjoying a final moment of lucidity:

“Damnit my legs are starting to ache. Are you meant to stand with or without your knees locked? If I lock my knees I’ll fall over, right? Just don’t lean. Focus on your center of gravity. I mean I saw that episode of Frasier where he teaches Freddie to bend his knees slightly during the spelling bee, but that won’t look natural will it? Sh*t, act cool, people are watching. Holy f*ck I’m sweating. I bet they can tell. Her whole family’s just staring, judging, thinking about how this sweaty, swaying f*ck isn’t good enough for their daughter. Why’s she walking so slow? Jesus I should’ve worn a condom.”

Uhhnox started off shaky, but quickly redeemed himself:

“Look at that beautiful idiot. What a fool she is showing up here.”

RiggRMortis is simply lucky he didn’t lose his lunch on his tux:

“Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry … F*ck. I’m crying. Oh well, maybe I can get it out now before I say my vows… She’s here. Let’s do this sh*t! OK, say the vows and don’t f*ck up. I ended up having to stop in the middle of my vows because I couldn’t stop crying and sounded like a Muppet. Everyone thought I was going to puke.”

Mister Ketomatic may not have meant to sound this harsh:

“‘PREEEEETTY.’ My wife is generally not very elegant. On our wedding day she pulled it off flawlessly.”

HumanFundRecipient started off with some genuine in-law shame:

“I was thinking about what a jerk her dad is. We got married in a friend’s backyard and the heels on her shoes kept getting stuck in the grass. She took about 3 steps before kicking her shoes off and going barefoot. Most of the guests smiled at that. Her dad rolled his eyes. He can never not be an ass.”

But the mother-in-law of BeaverBrown55 sounds even worse:

“I hoped I wouldn’t screw anything up. However it was pretty warm and I tend to sweat a lot. When I went to put the ring in her finger, I hit her fingernail and due to my dewey hands I dropped the ring into the marble floor. To which I exclaimed “Oh Sh*t.” the minister and priest were none too happy with me. She and I just laughed but her mom got extra angry with me and so started our 14 year war. Not one week later her mother took her for a walk and provided her with domestic abuse pamphlets bc she thought I was abusing her.”

Mister Xarcastic may be easily distracted at times:

“OMG, the way she’s kicking her dress out in front of her to keep from stepping on it is making it look like she’s marching with the Nazis. I wonder if everyone else is thinking this too.”

The silly BoB_nugget scores several points for honesty:

“The Looney Tunes theme. Really. I’m an idiot. But hey, still married.”

Don’t be jealous, for spartangrunt always looks like this:

“Why is everyone turned around to look at me? Of course I’m going to smile and be happy. Look at her! She spent all day to look like that so look at her! I got out of the shower an hour ago!”

Finally, EmperorBeebleBrox keeps it simple and (relatively) sweet:

“Good, she came.”

(Via Reddit)

×